Comments on: Why Should My Teenager Ask When She Can Steal?

By: twisted christian

twisted christian — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 03:02:49 +0000

OMG. She’s 14! I have to agree with this post:
“Has it ever corossed your mind that maybe this girl doesn’t want to practice Christianity? Have you asked her what spiritual path she would like to take or if she is interested in one at all? Is she in contact with her family? Your household sounds very controlling, , and everyone has to be like you and Super Dad or else! I’d be afraid to visit, let alone live there!”

Children behave as children. Reading bible verses can sometimes cause more “behavior” you don’t approve of. You’re worried about a cinnamon roll? She’s 14! You could be worrying about sex and drugs! At 14, some girls are sneaking out windows and doing heroin and having sex with 17 year old boys. Tell her it’s wrong to sneak the roll, and let it go!!! My God, you’re over-reacting. Pushing religion made many a teen rebel. Trust me. At 44, I can tell you of 3 dozen or more rebellious girls I knew who only did worse each time their parent(s) pushed a bible verse on them for wearing a shirt that was wrong, taking a food item without asking, or using the phone at a wrong time. Before long, you’re going to have more worries that that BUN, if you catch my drift. Lay off your daughter. you’re almost bordering on abuse if you don’t tread a little lighter. She’s a CHILD. Love her and cherish her and stop worrying about your silly buns. God would probably frown upon this Christian behavior.

By: graham4jc

graham4jc — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:16:39 +0000

Julia,

First, please let me introduce myself. My name is Steve and I work with orphans and foster children in Africa. I am working with a child now who is struggling with hoarding and stealing food in the home where they are staying. As I’m sure you could guess, this is common activity amongst children who have lost a lot in their lives – particularly for those who have lost the inherent security of a family. Hence, the reason for my web search that led me to this blog.

OK, so that said, I want to bring up an idea to see what you think. Recently I sat with a group of foster-parents here as we studied a program called “When Love is Not Enough”, which features Nancy Thomas (I think her website is http://www.attachment.org ???). Anyhow, the program is focused on Reactive Attachment Disorder. The reason I bring this up is how it deals, at least in part, with how children – who for various reasons have attachment problems – use all kinds of anti-social behaviors as a control mechanism. If you have not already looked into Ms. Thomas’ information and materials I would highly recommend it. If your child has RAD (common in foster children, and those with fetal-alcohol and drug issues) then, contrary to what some people are suggesting, I believe that you are facing someone who is exhibiting something OTHER than hunger.

As a side note, you’ll appreciate how Ms. Thomas recognizes how parents of children with RAD often times take the heat from others who think the problem is with THEM and not the child. Children with RAD tend to be pretty intelligent, and I would almost suggest that much of their problem behaviors come across as passive-aggression. Don’t be discouraged by some of the people who post their feedback with the assumption of greater knowledge of your daughter’s motives than you.

And of course, never forget that God is with you. He always is.

By: kblondie1970

kblondie1970 — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 05:39:22 +0000

did any one not get the part about the sugar giving her uncontrolable behavior i to have a 12yo who i make ask before she gets junk food i have 2 other childern who dont have to ask every time they are a little older but the difference is they can control the impulse for wanting more as for her she doesnt know when to stop she hides food and wrapers in her room all the time not only is she defying the rules she is eating junk that isnt healthy because she eats to much and also it alters her attitude. you do what ever seems to work for your child sometimes i to worry about my daugther winding up in jail or prosituting and doing drugs like her biological mom she seems to be doing the same things she did at this age i am trying to do everything in my power to break that ugly cycle even if she grows up hating me because thats what parents are suppose to do teach them to be successful i ask for all the prays i can get and i will pray for all of you. god bless

By: littlerivermom

littlerivermom — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 16:42:05 +0000

Julia:
I have read your blog and I have read the responses that have been made. Now I know who the parents of those children who run the
malls, vandalize everything in sight and when their parents are called they make an excuse for it and they let them continue down that road. I believe our main job as parents is to raise our children to be the best adults they can be. You have to start with the small stuff around the house and you have to uphold the house rules or they will fail badly in the real world because they will expect you to bail them out every time they break the rules. I think what you did was wonderful!!!! Keep up the great job!!!!

By: petunia

petunia — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 05:52:08 +0000

Please don’t pay any attention to the nay sayers. They are a group of radical anti-adoption people who have no clue about these kids. My nephew is adopted from Russia and some friends who went with the same orphanage has a hard time with their son stealing food — not hoarding. He lived on the streets for a while before he was placed in the orphanage and this is a behavior that does show up in some of these kids. People without a Psychology degree or any experience with this should do some studying and research before they comment.

By: Julia Fuller

Julia Fuller — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 02:03:32 +0000

Hi Nancy, Yes it is comforting to know that their brains can continue to develop until the age of 25. Many of the issues you site are valid reasons for a child to take things, which is beyond their control. However, the court system won’t look at those reasons. Unfortunately, if we cannot teach our children to control these impulses once they turn 18 they will be at the mercy of the court system. John is living that reality now. I have less than 4 years to try to help my daughter.

By: Sunbonnet Sue

Sunbonnet Sue — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 00:34:06 +0000

Julia, hang in there. You know your kid best. These gals who are picking on ya need to walk a mile in your shoes…….adoptive parents do get frustrated sometimes, it is part of the job. gee, even parents who haven’t adopted any children get frustrated sometimes too!

By: nancyderen

nancyderen — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 23:09:52 +0000

My daughter, adopted at 12 yrs, also has issues with stealing and hoarding food and other things, so I can relate to how frustrating this behavior is, and to the fear of what can happen in the future. While teaching and consequences can be important, I think it is also important to understand that often stealing is related to physical or neurological problems, not just about the “high” of being sneaky. For example, kids with FAS tend to steal frequently and have trouble learning from consequences because pre-natal alcohol just about destroys the ability for cause and effect thinking. Kids on certain types of psychotropic meds can have a side effect of literally being hungry all the time, and often steal food and even other items to cope with the frustration of always feeling hungry and empty inside. There are other disorders that cause both inability to regulate appetite and impulse control issues. Sometimes it can help to feel less frustrated about the behavior when there is an udnerstanding that it may truly be beyond the kid’s control at this point in time. It also comforts me to remember that the brain doesn’t stop developing till age 25. Even in early adulthood, kids can mature out of a lot.

By: Julia Fuller

Julia Fuller — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 21:10:02 +0000

She steals on a regular basis, not just at home, and not just food. After 10 years of parenting her and telling her that stealing is wrong, to no avail, I am afraid she will end up in jail when she is an adult. Clearly, she was being deceitful about the roll or she wouldn’t have put it in her armpit under her robe. You may label it being deceitful, stealing, hording, sneaking, or whatever you want to call it.

By: bumblebeeskies

bumblebeeskies — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:57:39 +0000

I didn't say anything in my comment about Julia's dd being hungry. I would never assume that she would let a child go hungry. The whole point was that her post seemed so over the top. If it is a family rule that the kids need to ask before they eat a snack, I don't see any fault in that. Failing to do so would be breaking a family rule. However, unless the cinnamon roll was clearly marked with someone else's name, it was not stolen! Accusing another person of sin is very serious. I'm sure that this dd does know that stealing is sin, but what did she steal?

Nancy,

I read your blog on a regular basis. I know that occasionally, readers have commented on some of your parenting techniques as being extreme. I have never said anything
negative about anything you've written. Why? Probably because you explain things. You have explained that having "poop duty" is a tool you have found to be successful in helping kids to heal and bond. You have explained how Dora shoveling manure has helped to break her down, so that she can talk about her issues and have breakthroughs. I know that you're not doing any of it to be mean or uncaring. You also don't usually make direct accusations or seem condescending. That is the difference.