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Why should my teenage daughter ask for a cinnamon roll when she can sneak one into her bedroom under her bathrobe? Then she can eat it alone in her room after everyone goes to bed and nobody will know. The trouble with little lies or little thefts is that they have a way of finding you out and growing. One little white lie can turn into a huge sin if we let it grow instead of confessing and seeking forgiveness. You see we have a house rule of “No eating in bedrooms.” We also need to brush our teeth before bed to get rid of the sugar bugs, from our treats, that like to cause cavities. Therefore, stealing a cinnamon role instead of asking to have it for treat caused my teenage daughter to break three house rules.
Our four-year-old daughter has been asking me all week to take her into the hot tub to play. All week I have given her one excuse after another, but she didn’t give up. So tonight, I took her out and Ty joined us. Our toddler, Ami, noticed us after we had been out there for about 20 minutes. She kept staring at us and I didn’t want her to start crying so I told the children that I was going inside. I wrapped my towel around my shoulders and headed towards the kitchen.
I was just coming through the kitchen door when I saw my teenage daughter slip something under her arm. “What did you just do?” I asked. She pulled the cinnamon roll out from under her arm and showed it to me. I didn’t say anything. I took her by the arm, and led her into the living room to see Super Dad. She was still holding the prepackaged cinnamon roll. He realized something was up and turned down the volume of the Phoenix versus Seattle game.
You see numerous times I have yelled at her, given her consequences, and talked to her about sin. I have explained how it hurts our relationship by breaking our trust. Because she has memorized about 400 Bible verses through AWANA, I remind her of some of the related verses. On her way to her “Meritorious” AWANA award I know she has memorized
Exodus 20:15 Thou shalt not steal (KJV) and Ephesians 4:28 (NIV) He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
She came to live with us four weeks before her fourth birthday. Ever since then she has attended Sunday school, AWANA on Monday nights during the school year, and vacation Bible school every summer. We cannot seem to get her to stop. We fear that once she is an adult she may spend time in jail.
Lately, she has been really bonding with her dad. She watches basketball games with him, sits by him, and glows from his attention. That is why I took her to see him. She was devastated by his reprimand. Maybe it will make a difference. We continue to pray for her but we won’t be bailing her out of jail if it comes to that. She has been told for ten years that stealing is wrong, illegal, and sinful.
When Super Dad finished I asked her what would have happened if she had asked to have the cinnamon roll for treat. Her answer, “I probably could have had it.” Yes, she probably could have had it for treat if she had asked. I suppose she doesn’t get quite the same high from asking as she does from stealing and sneaking.
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Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2008
Oh my! Are you really being serious? I am not trying to be rude or condescending, but it it seems like maybe you’re overreacting a little. I admit that I don’t know your daughter’s history…does she steal often? Does she steal anything of value? I am not condoning stealing in any way, in fact, I could never do it. In jumping from her “stealing” a cinnamon roll to saying that you won’t bail her out of jail as an adult, seemed a little extreme. However, if she is prone to frequent stealing from stores, school, church, etc. that would make better sense.
I grew up going to church every time it was open, and graduated from a Christian school. It is wonderful that she has memorized so much scripture, but really maybe she is just memorizing it, and not “hiding it in her heart”. I’m sure it is painful for you that your daughter is not accepting the morals that you have taught her, and adhere to. In all my years of going to church, I have noticed that often the kids that rebel the most, are the ones who are kept on the shortest leash…the ones who often felt like the Bible was being shoved down their throat. It’s a great thing that she has been bonding w/ her dad lately. However, I don’t know how her being “devasted” by him, over a cinnamon roll, will help that bonding . You said that your dd broke three rules, but since she got caught, I would think that she only broke the “ask first” rule. I don’t know how old of a teen she is, but having a rule of brushing her teeth to get the bugs off, seems a little weird. It sounds more like something someone would say to a five year old.
Maybe she was hungry??? Eating is not a sin, is it?
I didn’t know there was such a thing as stealing food in your own home. I am sorry but I guess as a fellow adoptive mom I just find this very sad for your daughter.
Bonding should always be positive. Yes, children need to be disciplined however it should never be used as a bonding method.
I will be honest with you, my thoughts are scattered here but I find your post very upsetting. I am a Christian mother who teachers her daughter Christian morals but as far as I can see this is not Christina at all.
“And who among you, if your child is hungry will give him a stone instead of bread?” – that is also in my Bible. Your child needed food and got instead the “stone of disapproval” from you. Do you control every bite of food they eat? Is there any food in your house they can eat without begging your gracious permission? Do you ask permission of your husband before having a “treat”, or does he ask you?
It was never about her having the roll, it was about her putting it under her arm to sneak it to her room. She certainly could have sat at the table with everyone else. Yes, she has a long history of stealing. We thought she would grow out of it, but she hasn’t. She is 14.
Has it ever corossed your mind that maybe this girl doesn’t want to practice Christianity? Have you asked her what spiritual path she would like to take or if she is interested in one at all?
Is she in contact with her family?
Your household sounds very controlling, , and everyone has to be like you and Super Dad or else! I’d be afraid to visit, let alone live there!
Julia, I am wondering if this could be some form of oppositonal behavior, which would fit well with a 14 yo, or if it could be a form of needing to be in control of the the most basic requirements in her life (ie attachment stuff). As stealing, it is remarkably inept, teenagers would normally be more crafty. I have to wonder if being caught is part of the package, not something to be avoided. Stealing is a difficult behavior to live with. What about simply allowing her to help herself to the doughnuts when she wants to, without having to ask? It would be interesting to see how she would process that. John PS I know you get to deal with FAS, and eliminating structure is risky, no easy answers.
Oh my gosh, this has happened so many times in our house.
Bumblebee, Livs and Mama – This is not about being hungry, this is about being in control. This is also partly FAS. We have dealt with this for over 8 years. Funny how when my son is “hungry” never “steals” fruit, veggies, a sandwich or anything like that. He steals chocolate chips, cookies, or whatever “junk food” he can get his hands on. Not just at my house, but at anyone’s house.
Our rule is similar. If you want “junk food” you have to ask. I keep fresh fruit out, all the time and my kids are welcome to help themselves to things like cheese, granola bars, a sandwich or other regular food. However, when I clean his room I find wrappers from HOARDS of food. When it was time to sell candy bars for football, he ATE and hid the wrappers for FIFTY king size candy bars. This is not normal adolescent behavior, this is over the top.
Until you have lived with it you can not understand what it feels like. We had to eliminate all junk food from our home. My son even “stole” and ate a one pound block of baking chocolate. Don’t tell me that’s because he was hungry.
It’s about control and defiance, plain and simple.
Hugs from someone who has been there, done that and gets it Julia.
Woah, I can only assume all the rude comments are coming from those who have not actually experienced stealing as a control issue with a child. This child even admitted knowing that she could have had the roll, if only she had asked. Where do these folks NOT see how she is choosing the poor behavior and not just the food.
I too have my kids ask before helping themselves to candy and snack foods, if I did not they would gobble unchecked till they puked, AND they would never learn from my judgement as their mom, and learn to choose wisely for themselves as adults.
I understand too Julia.
It’s about control and defiance?? Oh, dear these poor kids being balmed for something that is completely out of their control.?
Stealing and eating 50 candy bars is out of his control?
Hi Shell, No I have never asked my daughter which spiritual path she would like to follow, nor will I. Yes, we do have contact with her birth family. She is 5′6″ tall and capable of controlling of herself but she chooses not to. She told her psychiatrist this with me in the same room.
Kelly, Deb, and John Thanks for the support. Issues involved when adopting a child, who isn’t a newborn or who has been subjected to drugs in utero, are not the same as other adoption issues.
We’re talking about young people aren’t w
Shell, we are talking about young people. Our job is to get them ready for adulthood. It is scary to have a child with a behavior that absolutely will not fly in the real world, and find that nothing we do helps the child get past this very disfunctional behavior. It is worse when the child is already 14 and not that far away from being an adult. Beeing oppositional is partly willfull and partly not. I have a 22 yo who is in jail now, the defiance that he had to keep doesn’t work well when the one being defied is a superior court judge. John
Wow Julia — bet you didn’t think posting about stealing being a sin on a Christian adoption blog would cause such a backlash! I’m amazed too.
I don’t have a stealer…but do have one who is 11 who if I didn’t tell her to brush her teeth would go to bed with the entire day’s accumulation there. Then, eventually she’d need fillings…and since she’s not paying that bill with the dentist…I’m reminding her.
And, I’m concerned when commenters say things like “maybe she doesn’t want to be a Christian” and “is she in contact with her family”. Apparently she is — since YOU and Super Dad are her FAMILY…and her FAMILY is a Christian family. She has plenty of time for a different spiritual choice when her family is done raising her up the way she should go.
And for the record, are there other spiritual beliefs that permit sneaking food to other parts of the house instead of asking outright for them and disobeying your parents on a regular basis? Are there spiritual beliefs where parents aren’t supposed to guide and train their children to do the things expected of them?
I’m confused what all the uproar is about. You are frustrated that she continues to steal the food when it’s hers for the asking. I’m with ya!
Well put John.
“And for the record, are there other spiritual beliefs that permit sneaking food to other parts of the house instead of asking outright for them and disobeying your parents on a regular basis?”
Julie, Maybe they are talking about practicing heathens and not Christians?
Do we have a ‘heathen’ adoption blog? Maybe we need one.
I’m amazed, too, that Julia’s honest and poignant blog resulted in such unexpected comments. I have lived with stealers, too. It is the pits. It is very violating, that nothing in your home is sacred. It is a constant slap in your face when the child could have 99% of what they steal, if only they asked. As for the faith-based criticism, Julia’s response reflected her overall parental beliefs and approach to parenting. It seems especially unfair to jump from “I reminded her of Bible verses” to “shoving Christianity down her daughter’s throat.”
Julia, you hang in there, I’m with you too.
Just to throw something out there you may not be thinking about…
“Stealing” food to eat in private can be a symptom of a developing eating disorder. Shaming a person over food can fuel a developing eating disorder.
I fail to see how it is even possible to steal food from your family. So your rules are too ask… Do you cause her to feel shame over her food choices? Do you deny her food that is pleasurable?
You say that she steals often. Is she stealing outside of the home or is she only stealing things that should be readily available to any family member? If it is the former then perhaps your preaching is not going to reap any rewards, therapy might be a better bet. If it is the latter perhaps you need to acknowledge that your “little girl” is now a young lady and the boundaries of childhood no longer need to apply.
Hoarding food is a symptom of something bigger mentally. It is not stealing (how do you actually steal food in your own home?). Blaming her for stealing is crazy. Finding out what you child is going through makes alot more sense and seems alot less abusive. I am frightened that she is being labeled ready for jail over something that she may have no control over. How sad for this child!
“Hi Shell, No I have never asked my daughter which spiritual path she would like to follow, nor will I. Yes, we do have contact with her birth family. She is 5′6″ tall and capable of controlling of herself but she chooses not to. She told her psychiatrist this with me in the same room”
You think n that forcing religion on people and accusing them of sinning is healthy?
I didn’t say anything in my comment about Julia’s dd being hungry. I would never assume that she would let a child go hungry. The whole point was that her post seemed so over the top. If it is a family rule that the kids need to ask before they eat a snack, I don’t see any fault in that. Failing to do so would be breaking a family rule. However, unless the cinnamon roll was clearly marked with someone else’s name, it was not stolen! Accusing another person of sin is very serious. I’m sure that this dd does know that stealing is sin, but what did she steal?
Nancy,
I read your blog on a regular basis. I know that occasionally, readers have commented on some of your parenting techniques as being extreme. I have never said anything
negative about anything you’ve written. Why? Probably because you explain things. You have explained that having “poop duty” is a tool you have found to be successful in helping kids to heal and bond. You have explained how Dora shoveling manure has helped to break her down, so that she can talk about her issues and have breakthroughs. I know that you’re not doing any of it to be mean or uncaring. You also don’t usually make direct accusations or seem condescending. That is the difference.
She steals on a regular basis, not just at home, and not just food. After 10 years of parenting her and telling her that stealing is wrong, to no avail, I am afraid she will end up in jail when she is an adult. Clearly, she was being deceitful about the roll or she wouldn’t have put it in her armpit under her robe. You may label it being deceitful, stealing, hording, sneaking, or whatever you want to call it.
My daughter, adopted at 12 yrs, also has issues with stealing and hoarding food and other things, so I can relate to how frustrating this behavior is, and to the fear of what can happen in the future. While teaching and consequences can be important, I think it is also important to understand that often stealing is related to physical or neurological problems, not just about the “high” of being sneaky. For example, kids with FAS tend to steal frequently and have trouble learning from consequences because pre-natal alcohol just about destroys the ability for cause and effect thinking. Kids on certain types of psychotropic meds can have a side effect of literally being hungry all the time, and often steal food and even other items to cope with the frustration of always feeling hungry and empty inside. There are other disorders that cause both inability to regulate appetite and impulse control issues. Sometimes it can help to feel less frustrated about the behavior when there is an udnerstanding that it may truly be beyond the kid’s control at this point in time. It also comforts me to remember that the brain doesn’t stop developing till age 25. Even in early adulthood, kids can mature out of a lot.
Julia, hang in there. You know your kid best. These gals who are picking on ya need to walk a mile in your shoes…….adoptive parents do get frustrated sometimes, it is part of the job. gee, even parents who haven’t adopted any children get frustrated sometimes too!
Hi Nancy, Yes it is comforting to know that their brains can continue to develop until the age of 25. Many of the issues you site are valid reasons for a child to take things, which is beyond their control. However, the court system won’t look at those reasons. Unfortunately, if we cannot teach our children to control these impulses once they turn 18 they will be at the mercy of the court system. John is living that reality now. I have less than 4 years to try to help my daughter.
Please don’t pay any attention to the nay sayers. They are a group of radical anti-adoption people who have no clue about these kids. My nephew is adopted from Russia and some friends who went with the same orphanage has a hard time with their son stealing food — not hoarding. He lived on the streets for a while before he was placed in the orphanage and this is a behavior that does show up in some of these kids. People without a Psychology degree or any experience with this should do some studying and research before they comment.
Julia:
I have read your blog and I have read the responses that have been made. Now I know who the parents of those children who run the
malls, vandalize everything in sight and when their parents are called they make an excuse for it and they let them continue down that road. I believe our main job as parents is to raise our children to be the best adults they can be. You have to start with the small stuff around the house and you have to uphold the house rules or they will fail badly in the real world because they will expect you to bail them out every time they break the rules. I think what you did was wonderful!!!! Keep up the great job!!!!
did any one not get the part about the sugar giving her uncontrolable behavior i to have a 12yo who i make ask before she gets junk food i have 2 other childern who dont have to ask every time they are a little older but the difference is they can control the impulse for wanting more as for her she doesnt know when to stop she hides food and wrapers in her room all the time not only is she defying the rules she is eating junk that isnt healthy because she eats to much and also it alters her attitude. you do what ever seems to work for your child sometimes i to worry about my daugther winding up in jail or prosituting and doing drugs like her biological mom she seems to be doing the same things she did at this age i am trying to do everything in my power to break that ugly cycle even if she grows up hating me because thats what parents are suppose to do teach them to be successful i ask for all the prays i can get and i will pray for all of you. god bless
Julia,
First, please let me introduce myself. My name is Steve and I work with orphans and foster children in Africa. I am working with a child now who is struggling with hoarding and stealing food in the home where they are staying. As I’m sure you could guess, this is common activity amongst children who have lost a lot in their lives – particularly for those who have lost the inherent security of a family. Hence, the reason for my web search that led me to this blog.
OK, so that said, I want to bring up an idea to see what you think. Recently I sat with a group of foster-parents here as we studied a program called “When Love is Not Enough”, which features Nancy Thomas (I think her website is http://www.attachment.org ???). Anyhow, the program is focused on Reactive Attachment Disorder. The reason I bring this up is how it deals, at least in part, with how children – who for various reasons have attachment problems – use all kinds of anti-social behaviors as a control mechanism. If you have not already looked into Ms. Thomas’ information and materials I would highly recommend it. If your child has RAD (common in foster children, and those with fetal-alcohol and drug issues) then, contrary to what some people are suggesting, I believe that you are facing someone who is exhibiting something OTHER than hunger.
As a side note, you’ll appreciate how Ms. Thomas recognizes how parents of children with RAD often times take the heat from others who think the problem is with THEM and not the child. Children with RAD tend to be pretty intelligent, and I would almost suggest that much of their problem behaviors come across as passive-aggression. Don’t be discouraged by some of the people who post their feedback with the assumption of greater knowledge of your daughter’s motives than you.
And of course, never forget that God is with you. He always is.
OMG. She’s 14! I have to agree with this post:
“Has it ever corossed your mind that maybe this girl doesn’t want to practice Christianity? Have you asked her what spiritual path she would like to take or if she is interested in one at all? Is she in contact with her family? Your household sounds very controlling, , and everyone has to be like you and Super Dad or else! I’d be afraid to visit, let alone live there!”
Children behave as children. Reading bible verses can sometimes cause more “behavior” you don’t approve of. You’re worried about a cinnamon roll? She’s 14! You could be worrying about sex and drugs! At 14, some girls are sneaking out windows and doing heroin and having sex with 17 year old boys. Tell her it’s wrong to sneak the roll, and let it go!!! My God, you’re over-reacting. Pushing religion made many a teen rebel. Trust me. At 44, I can tell you of 3 dozen or more rebellious girls I knew who only did worse each time their parent(s) pushed a bible verse on them for wearing a shirt that was wrong, taking a food item without asking, or using the phone at a wrong time. Before long, you’re going to have more worries that that BUN, if you catch my drift. Lay off your daughter. you’re almost bordering on abuse if you don’t tread a little lighter. She’s a CHILD. Love her and cherish her and stop worrying about your silly buns. God would probably frown upon this Christian behavior.