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Someone who commented on my previous post asked me to reflect on why birth parents might end contact, even when the adoptive parents work hard to maintain it.
One woman, who recently placed her child for adoption, shared her perspective:
Why am I obligated to stay in touch? I signed a piece of paper giving up all rights and responsibility. I am not responsible for anything about him anymore. Sending pictures and letters means I am responsible (for him).
It seems that this woman feels she doesn’t “deserve” contact. Or she believes that sending letters would catapult her into a parenting role of sorts. Or, that maintaining contact would make her feel obligated to her son.
Let’s reflect on those possibilities:
“I don’t deserve contact.” If members of a child’s birth family are drug dealers, in prison, or in some other way present a threat to the child, I believe that contact should be minimal, at least until they get their lives straightened out. One has to consider the emotional health and well-being of the child first. But not deserving contact just because your signed away your parental rights? That grates on me.
I don’t see the benefits to the birth mother and to the child of cutting off all contact (I’ll talk more about the myth of open adoption being “confusing for the child” in my next post). When a woman relinquishes her right to parent her child, she does just that. She lets go of her parenting role over that child. That doesn’t mean she can’t play some kind of role in the child’s life.
That’s what open adoption communication agreements are all about – they clearly define the roles that birth and adoptive families will—and won’t—play as they interact with one another throughout the child’s life.
“Keeping in contact would catapult me into a parenting role.” In a healthy open adoption, birth parents do NOT parent. Birth parents abdicate that role when they sign the relinquishment documents.
I keep harping on the fact that open adoption is all about developing relationships. When birth and adoptive families both make an effort to communicate (and yes, it is a team effort), the relationship begins to blossom. If a birth parent begins to assume a parenting role, the adoptive parent needs to discuss that with her (or him).
Notice I say “parenting role.” In my opinion (and yes, I have lots of opinions about this topic), birth parents will always be parents. My oldest son’s birth mom calls Ben “my son.” She also calls him “Laura’s son.” He is, genetically and legally speaking, her son and my son. But while he is “her son,” she chose not to parent him. She loves him. She spends time with him. She treats him (and his brother, who is no genetic relation to her) as if he’s the most special person in the world.
“Keeping in contact would make me feel obligated to my child.” Therein lies a paradox of open adoption. If, like the woman who wrote to me, you say you don’t want contact, others label you an uncaring monster. So you grudgingly send your yearly letter, knowing how guilty you’d feel if you didn’t. You wonder, “What would my child think if he stopped hearing from me? Would he hate me for life for ignoring him?” You might decide that it’s easier to cut off contact altogether than to continually feel this mixture of guilt, anger, and obligation.
Yeah, it is easier. There’s no doubt about that. And yes, remaining in contact does obligate you to nurture a relationship that can create ongoing feelings of discomfort.
As I ponder these questions, a picture of the adopted child keeps popping into my mind. What’s best for him? Is it going to benefit him in the long run for his birth parent(s) to deal with a little discomfort as they put themselves out to remain in contact with him.
Everything in me shouts, “YES!” It’s worth it.
So, coming back to my original question: Why do birth parents end contact when the adoptive parents try hard to keep the channels of communication open?
I honestly don’t know, but I’d love to hear your theories. Readers, why do you think birth parents cut off contact?
Other posts in this series:
Part 1: Maintaining Your Open Adoption Communication Agreement
Part 2: Problems That Arise Between Birth/Adoptive Parents in Open Adoption
Part 3: The Adoption Power Shift
Part 4: Three Ways to Develop Healthy Relationships in Open Adoption
One of our birthmoms is “too busy” – she has “other things that have taken that time in my life” (in this case, I fear that “other things” may definitely not be good)
One of our other birthmoms has an ongoing fear that it is not healthy for the children to have two moms. I try to give her my input, which is entirely the opposite. But, she is convinced that it is unhealthy for them and best if she reduce contact (she no longer has actual contact with the kids – but we do still send her photos).
Not being a birthmom, I can’t really say. I only know what those two birthmoms have told me. Others are in line with your ideas that you posted. And two are wonderfully involved.
Thanks for your continued insights!
Birth parents do have responsibilies to their children. However, some birth parents feel that they have little value to their children. The only birth parents who I have ever actually been in contact with that cut-off contact did so to survive – staying in touch was too painful. I have a post in the works on this subject.
I have to agree with Jan. Sometimes staying in touch is just so physically, and emotionally painful that walking away is a way to protect yourself.
I wonder this about my son’s birthmother. In our case, it was a semi-open adoption with one-way communication. I would send her pictures and letters twice a year through the agency. She moved and left no forwarding address.
I have no way of knowing why she did not give the agency her new address. My best guess is that it was painful for her to see the pictures and read about his life. I still write her the letters and set aside the pictures, but now they are just in a drawer in my house. If she chooses to contact the agency, I will forward the pictures and letters on to her. If she never asks for them, then I will give them to my son when he turns 18.
I respect her right to read or not read the letters. It just saddens me because I really hoped that seeing how happy he is would be a healing balm to her. Even though the communication was only one way, I still felt a connection with her. I was sad to see it go.
- Faith
Yep. I made a promise to the Munchkin to always be readily available even though she was too young (as in less than a day) to understand the promise. Not one to break promises, I am always there even if it is emotionally draining.