Part 2 of 4

In the previous post, I addressed two questions first/birth parents ask when meeting prospective adoptive parents: How do you define open adoption? What is your commitment to openness, and why? Today, I continue my thoughts about open adoption.

Are you willing to sign an agreement to that effect, and to seek mediation if things break down?
Some states have laws governing open adoption, and both parties sign a legally-binding contract once they’ve come to an agreement about how the adoption will “look.” In many states, however, non-binding agreements are signed. I imagine that in some cases, a simple handshake agreement takes place.

If nothing else, the parties in an adoption have an ethical obligation to honor any type of agreement and to seek mediation should things break down. Often, a breakdown is the result of a simple miscommunication and can be easily resolved. In the case of something more serious, ongoing counseling and mediation can certainly help everyone resolve their differences.

In an open adoption, what will we call the various grandparents?
If grandparents wish to be involved, I suggest asking them what they’d like to be called. Birth grandparents often feel left out of the loop, because it’s their children who ultimately make the decision about whether to follow through with their adoption plan.

If the child ends up being adopted, birth grandparents may wonder whether they still have any right to be a part of their grandchild’s life. While they know that, for all intents and purposes, they are grandparents, there’s an awkward, how-do-I-fulfill-my-grandparent-role-when-my-grandchild-lives-with-strangers dynamic.

There’s no denying that meetings will always be a bit awkward, no matter how much you grow to care for one another. Adoptive parents should make a point to call the grandparents by the names/terms they ask to be called. Calling them by their preferred names will help their child to feel comfortable using the terms, as well. And ultimately, it’s all about helping the child to understand and value every person who’s part of his multi-faceted heritage.