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Part 4 of 5
During the past three posts, I’ve been addressing reader comments and questions about closed and open adoption. Today, we’ll look at one possible result that can occur when a closed adoption is opened.
Regrets after finding birth mother
A reader wrote that her boyfriend, who was adopted in a closed adoption, recently found his birthmother. “He kind of regrets doing it because he pictured her being superwoman when in actuality, she’s far from it.”
This is one of the pitfalls of closed adoption. When the details of an adopted child’s birth are kept secret, the you tend to create Shangri-la scenarios of what your birth parents might be like. You envision your birth parents as highly successful people who live charmed lives.
It’s human nature to imagine the best of people, particularly of those who conceived you and birthed you. Isn’t it logical to hope that the person who placed you for adoption went on to accomplish big things in life?
When the people you’ve fantasized about for so many years don’t live up to your idealized expectations, it’s a major letdown. What should the you do then? How should you process this information? How does the discovery affect your long-term emotional state?
In open adoption, you don’t face these particular issues because you experience the reality of who your birth parents are and what they’re like, in living color. So whether your birth parents are good, bad, or mediocre, you know the truth.
It seems to me that having information about one’s birth family, even if you choose not to pursue a relationship with them, is valuable. That way, at least your questions about your heritage are answered and you don’t live in some fantasy world, hoping for something that might never become reality – or experiencing an unpleasant surprise when reality doesn’t live up to your expectations.
Readers, please share your experiences!
In the next post: Should adoptive parents cut off contact with a drug-abusing birth mother? What should they tell their child about her birth mom?
I think that this situation points out the need for having realistic expectations going into a reunion.
Also totally agree with you that at least having some information about birth parents growing up can be very valuable for children. One of the many drawbacks of closed adoptions is “not knowing” and sometimes creating fantasy families – good or bad.
Most people eventually say that they appreciate knowing the truth – good or bad though. I wonder how old the young man who did not find his “fantasy” parents is? Generally older searching adoptees do have more realistic expectations entering reunion.
Good post, thanks!