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Part 2 of 5
In the previous post, we looked at the question, “Are people in closed adoption well-adjusted?” Today, we’ll continue the discussion.
Birth moms need to “move on”
One of my readers commented: “If a woman gives up her baby then she needs to move on. I do not think a birth mother needs to have her cake and eat it too.”
What, exactly, is moving on? Does that imply forgetting about one’s child? Because birth moms don’t forget. And many birth parents who have been denied the opportunity to know their child have an almost impossible time “moving on.”
I can just see the steam shooting out the ears of birth moms everywhere at the comment about “having her cake and eating it, too.” I suspect that most women who voluntarily relinquish a child for adoption experience a gut-wrenching decision-making process that has very little to do with having one’s cake and eating it, too.
Is this reader implying that because a birth mom forfeits her right to parent her child, she doesn’t deserve to have any contact with him, ever? Is the reader saying that having contact is a reward she doesn’t deserve?
Does having contact with her child prevent a birth mom from “moving on”? Or rather, does contact allow her to move on? Maybe, the very fact of knowing, firsthand, that her child is thriving will give her the impetus to “move on” in ways that are healthy for both her and her child.
Are birth moms obligated to stay in touch?
Another question raised by a birth mom was: “Why am I obligated to stay in touch? I am not responsible for anything about him anymore.”
Birth moms are not obligated to stay in touch unless they sign a legally-binding document that requires them to do so. If they don’t want to stay in touch no one is going to pressure them to do so. When they relinquish their parental rights, birth moms relinquish all legal responsibility to their child. But does that include relinquishing moral responsibility?
I struggle with that question. Because we’re not talking about sending a used car to the junkyard – we’re talking about a precious human life. If the option for contact is available and the adoptive family is willing to maintain contact, why not leave the door open?
Readers, what do you think?
**For a birth mother’s perspective on closed adoption, check out a column written by Suzi Thompson, posted today on my Exploring Adoption blog.
In the next post: Should adopted kids be encouraged to have a relationship with their birth parents?
Parents who bring children into this world still have some moral responsibilities in my opinion. That may mean staying in touch throughout their lifetime. It could also mean being willing (and eager would be good) to reunite when the opportunity presents itself.
Yes, the cake analogy steamed me real bad. I nearly blew a gasket.
And I *totally* concur with Jan on both moral responsiblility and eagerness. Though not necessarily in that order.