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A post from last week detailed the latest power struggle here at Casa Stro. I’m loath to mete out harsh penalties because of the things my kids have gone through in their previous lives, but at the same time I feel that allowing them to “get away” with things under the guise of “cuteness” or “felling sorry” for them, is a great disservice. Some behaviors may be “cute” at an early age, or, if not “cute” at least not a punishable offense, but it ceases to be cute at 15…or 21…0r 40. Thus, I feel obligated to correct my children as the Bible commands, by bringing them up in the “instruction and discipline of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4), so that they can enjoy a life full of friends, and satisfying personal relationships, rather than thinking what they are currently doing will be acceptable later on in life.
As mentioned in last week’s post, I had a conversation with my daughter wherein I told her there would be some fairly rigid boundaries for just about everything until I saw improvement in some major life areas. I told her she would need to earn privileges back slooooowly, until her father and I were convinced that change had truly taken place.
Often, my daughter’s MO is to “let things ride” for a day or so, then test the waters again. My husband is on vacation this week, and so we’ve been doing some family things. After everything we recently went through with my Mom, we wanted to reconnect again as a family, under a slower pace. He had been telling the kids that he would catch them up on the allowance they were owed while we were dealing with my Mom’s condition and the aftermath. So, today, he told them that we would go to…and he named a couple of stores. My daughter came bouncing in to tell me where we were going. She said, “Daddy said…” which is her way of letting me know that her Dad may have said something that sounded to her like an easing up of punishment, and that clearly she liked his version better than mine. After a quick check-in with my husband, my daughter was told that whereas she would be getting her allowance (minus last week’s due to the recent infractions), it would be “held in reserve” for her until she got full privileges back, and only the boys were eligible to spend their allowances today.
That hurt.
She clearly had the expectation that the consequences would be lifted, and, after it was obvious that we were sticking to what we said, she cried and cried. These didn’t appear to be manipulative tears. She was genuinely hurt, and clearly got the message that her actions were pretty serious to warrant this punishment.
To her credit, she pulled it together. She went to the stores with her brothers, and didn’t put, cry or whine. She seemed genuinely happy for her brothers. My daughter seems to be getting what we’re laying down for her, and though a difficult lesson, both to administer (for us) and receive (for her), it’s clear that it’s working.
She clung to me most of the day, and we talked quite a bit. I explained that sometimes we do “surface cures” where everything looks good on the outside: we say we’re sorry, we clean up our act for a couple of days…maybe it means no dessert, or some small price to pay…then life pretty much goes on as usual. I told her that true change takes place in the heart, and it isn’t always immediate. Sometimes real change takes some time. And though I’m not happy about having to discipline her, I told her it’s because I love her and want her heart changed, not just the lip service.
It would seem that maybe it’s beginning to sink in, and for that, I am extremely thankful.
If you adopt an older child, God bless you, and believe me…you’ll need it. If you love them, God bless you…you’ll need it even more.