Since arriving home, post-finalization, we’ve reconnected the kids with their birth grandparents and older brother via weekly phone calls. They are a really warm and wonderful family, and it’s been truly gratifying to hear from them how much they feel we really are “one big family”

That said, I’m struggling to find ways of describing people in this new family configuration. In my total newbie ignorance, I’ve apparently already blundered by uttering the “our birthmother” phrase. I “get” that a significant majority in the firstparent community takes umbrage with it, so for that reason alone I no longer use it. However, I meant it as inclusive. “The birthmother” or even “our children’s birthmother” to my ears (just my gut reaction here!) relegates these vitally important people to “child carrier” status. Because I feel very strongly about her place in our family, we now refer to our children’s firstmom as “Mama ___ (her first name)".

My kids have an older sibling who was not placed for adoption, but rather is in the custody of his maternal grandparents. His first name is the same as my oldest son’s (but with a different spelling). That’s confusing bit #1. Confusing bit #2 has to do with how my biological son should refer to this similarly named brother. Clearly, he just calls him by his name, but what “are” they to each other? Kids love labeling things and making order of their world. And, what does this sibling call me? Right now he calls me “Miss Marie,” something I find a little too formal if we are truly “one big family.” I can offer “Aunt Marie” or plain old Marie (assuming his folks would be okay with a child calling an adult by their first name).

I grapple with this issue also, because for the whole six weeks we have been a new family, the children have integrated nicely. The two sibs have never stacked up on one side with each other against their non-adopted sib or vice versa. But this week something happened that cut my birth son to the quick. From what I can ascertain, the kids were playing, and my younger son whispered something to my oldest. Sissy apparently didn’t like that (why that day, I don’t know – they all do this all the time!), and asked her younger brother if he liked her or my oldest better. Before he could answer, my oldest dissolved into tears, hurt by the question.

This incident reinforced my desire to devise family labels that are descriptive, but not exclusionary. I love being here at AdoptionBlogs, because later that same night, Julia posted an article that was shades of my day all over again, and helped me realize that many of the things I experience are universal in adoptive families. Additionally, Jenna has embarked on a series that coincides with my quest, that deals with these very issues of naming and identifying.

So, I throw it out to you, Gentle Readers, what naming conventions have you employed? What works for you and why? Was it a collaboration between first- and adoptive families? Please chime in!


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