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On Mother’s Day, our oldest niece graduated from college. At her post-graduation family barbeque, my husband and I sat down with an aunt and uncle from the other side of our niece’s family. They are adopting two children from Russia and returned two weeks ago from their first trip to Russia, where they met their children.
As we chatted, something very important was reinforced to me: When parents-to-be announce they’re adopting, most people don’t know what to say. So they mumble something like, “You’re adopting! Oh, how nice.”
And then they do one of the following:
- They ask nosy questions about adoption which parents feel uncomfortable answering.
- They give unsolicited and often, uninformed advice about adoption (everyone’s an expert, aren’t they?).
- They offer up adoption horror stories for the enjoyment and edification of the new adoptive parents.
- They say nothing.
- They change the subject.
So when my husband and I showed a genuine interest in their story and demanded that they tell us everything, our friends were pleasantly surprised. They had brought five carefully-selected photos of their children, prepared to share the condensed version with anyone who asked. But just in case, they had also brought along a large folder bulging with hundreds of photos of their trip.
I’m glad they brought the big folder, because my husband and I pored over every photo in that pile and listened, enraptured, as they shared their stories.
People miss out on so much when they’re not willing to listen to others’ adoption stories. And adoptive parents miss out on so much when people don’t ask. It’s important for all parents – particularly for infertile parents who will never birth a child – to feel as if others are sharing in the joy of their journey to parenthood.
It doesn’t take a lot of effort to ask and to listen. Every time I have done so, I have come away from the conversation with a sense of awe and joy at the miraculous way in which God brings people together to create families.
