Life has its dichotomies – life and death; good and evil; and today, I met one up-close and personal … I call it the Agony and the Ecstasy.

Ever since the road trip, I’ve missed my kids unbearably at times. Talking to them is a sweet joy and yet, a bittersweet reminder that they are still several states away. I spoke to them today on the phone, and before hanging up, my daughter quickly whispered, “Bye … I love you, Mama.” That was music to my ears and I was on cloud nine … until I remembered another mother. One who will not hear those sweet words on a daily basis … one who, perhaps, may never hear them again – our daughter’s birthmother.

Shortly, I will be paid daily in kisses and hugs; pictures and fingerpaintings – priceless artwork; tears and tender whispers. Yet, another mother, because of her sacrificial love, will sit alone without the hustle and bustle and mirth that is daily life with precious children.

Some may argue, “But she ‘gave them up’ so that’s what she gets,” but I say, “What choice did she have?” You can’t argue this fairly. If she parented them in the abject poverty she described to me, she’s painted as neglectful. If she willingly and lovingly places them for adoption in the hope of a better life for them, she is still painted with the broad brushstrokes many other birthmothers are. How can she win?

So, my joy is tempered by the pain of another. Though our adoption is an open one, I am able to see how I am a constant reminder of all that “could have been” and it sobers me.

Adoption is complex! There are a myriad of emotions that one experiences, seemingly all at once, or in rapid succession – some contrary to the previous one. It is a roller coaster to be sure, but one with God’s help, that I hope to ride with grace and equanimity.