Comments on: The Adoption Power Shift

By: Natalie

Natalie — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 12:28:14 +0000

To the extent you can, of course you should stick with the letter of your agreement, but I think if you are mindful of the spirit of that agreement, the one letter a year you may have agreed to will seem insufficient.

I know how much the letters and especially pictures of our son have meant to his first mother. We haven't spoken in almost a year, but to deny her the ongong knowledge of how this soon to be 4 year old is doing would be cruel.

The letters are also a way of letting Julie get to know us, so that we are building the ground work for our long term relationship, and when we do get together we don't feel like strangers.

By: Theresa

Theresa — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 05:15:52 +0000

We have several open adoptions. MOST of them have less contact than we’d originally worked out!

In all but one case, it’s the birth parent who’ve gradually reduced contact. I have to assume that the reasons are varied — but most surely these are cases where the birth parents have made this decision and not us adoptive parents.

In one case, we have reduced contact. We still have openness – we still send photos, letters from me, colored drawings from one. Bmom still calls us for updates, but we have stopped phone contact and visits between her and the children. In this case, we adopted the children from the foster system – mom had active drug and alcohol problems at that time. She has returned to using now and her behavior is too erratic to include in the kid’s lives right now. These also are childen who are most severely affected by mom’s choices in their early lives. So, this is not a “typical case” maybe? Still, it is one that saddens me. And, it’s the one case where WE have chosen to reduce any of a previous agreement.

By: PromiseJubilee

PromiseJubilee — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 03:56:47 +0000

You know what? I love this! As a previous prospective birth mother and now as a prospective adoptive mother I really love this. I positively know that as a birth mother I would have wanted to be in contact with the adoptive parents of my child.. just knowing that your child is well taken care of and loved and happy can help alleviate the pain and grief with having to give up your child. And as an adoptive mother I really EXPECT to befriend my birthmother, and be writing and sending a new picture once a MONTH while the child is young enough to really change a lot in a month (up to two years of age probably), and then once every six months or so after they start getting bigger. You have to know that this child is going to ask questions when they get big enough to know what’s going on, so you should have information to answer with. And if you’re still in contact with the birth mother, all the better.

By: Deb Donatti

Deb Donatti — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 00:49:50 +0000

Laura, This was very interesting, yet you spoke very little of birthparents who chose(for whatever reasons)to end contact.
Banjo comments how difficult it can be for busy parents to track down birthparents who do not pass on contact information, and I would have to agree, this has been my experience.
I would be very interested to hear your take on why birthparents might end contact, even when adoptive parents are really working hard to keep the doors open for them.

By: Laura Christianson

Laura Christianson — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 21:32:10 +0000

Jenna,

I was a little thrown by her comment, but I think she made it in the context of a very few birth parents who tend to get pushy about demanding more contact than their agreement states.

She definitely does not let people think that is their only option; from what I can discern, she is a strong advocate for openness in adoption.

I guess that's what happens when I report a piece of a conversation out of context. My apologies.

By: Jenna Hatfield

Jenna Hatfield — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 19:48:23 +0000

On the flip side, my friend who’s the director of an adoption agency says that some birth parents demand too much. They request a letter every year until their child turns 18.

Your friend is doing any expectant parent who comes through that agency a huge disservice. Not only is it not "too much" to ask for one letter per year but many open adoptions involve much more contact. To let expectant parents think that is their only option, and too much at that, is ridiculous.

By: banjo

banjo — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 19:04:35 +0000

I don’t understand how one letter a year for 18 years can be asking too much!!! I can understand it could be difficult if the bparents don’t pass on contact information and the aparents have to try and track them down – that would be annoying for busy parents. Most bmothers I know value the photos they have recieved over the years. The few brief visits I have had each year with my bdaughter and photos the aparents have sent have kept me sane.