Now that my oldest is 10, he is exploring his independence more and more. One example is his request to do more things online.

As a Christian parent, I feel I have a few obligations:

To “bring my children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).”

To ensure their physical, emotional and spiritual well-being and safety: Beyond providing the basics (food, drink, clothing and shelter), this means also teaching them about things that could hurt them and creating bonds of love that will allow them to feel safe, nurtured and cared for, in addition to keeping the lines of communication open.

Ensuring they are well-educated and well-prepared to meet the demands of adulthood.

That said, here is how I responded to my oldest son’s request:

Research: I found a site written by a mom who grappled with the same issues I am currently facing, and she looked at several sites that she felt were acceptable. I went on her recommendations and looked at two of them, and ultimately selected one of the two. That site will not allow kids to create an account. Any account set up must be done by an adult and must be verified through one of three methods to ensure it is indeed being created by an adult. Further, before your child can sign in, you have the opportunity to set up the site’s approvals (a long list of things that you set via drop-down menu as to whether you approve or want to monitor).

My son and I sat down after I created the site and went over the rules, with his knowledge and understanding that I would be notified of his online activities. He was fine with that, and set off to happily create some trading cards!

Education: Earlier this year, all three of my children took a personal safety class. So we re-iterated a few of the things we learned: not everyone who says they are a kid really is a kid, don’t give out personal information, etc.

Monitoring: On all of our home computers we have filters and monitoring software. Our kids know the rules, but we have the guards in place just as a precaution. Also, it allows us to allow them some independence as we can specify the exact sites they are allowed to go to and customize it by child.

Rules around online usage:

E-Mail: He has his own e-mail address. I have all mail forwarded from his e-mail to my box, with a copy remaining in his inbox for him to look at and respond to. I use Gmail, so I see part of the very first line only. It gives him a modicum of privacy, yet I get a “head’s up” if he starts getting inundated with spam and inappropriate ads. It also can serve as a deterrent (“is this something I wouldn’t mind my mom seeing?”). Further, he can’t send out e-mails that I haven’t proofed and okayed. I’m sure that will change as he gets older!

Chat: Right now the only chatting allowed are within the confines of the various environments. Some only allow selected pre-written phrases that you can choose from. He isn’t allowed to use common chat/IM programs like Yahoo! Messenger or GTalk.

Permissions: He has a friend that does a few online things with him and he wanted to invite her, so I sent a detailed note to her mom explaining the site, the concerns I had and how the site addressed them, and told my son he would not be allowed to invite his friend until I heard back in the affirmative from her mother. He knows that different parents have different rules about things, so it would not have been appropriate to invite his friend before allowing her mother to check the site out first, in case the answer was no.

Knowing that I can see what he’s doing online, and knowing that he has friends around him that I trust, and knowing that the site doesn’t allow you to see who’s online unless you know them (and can prove it by coughing up their e-mail address), I feel comfortable that I am supporting my son’s growing independence while meeting my obligation to keep him safe online.

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