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Part 5 of 5
In the past four posts, we’ve been taking a look at reader questions regarding open and closed adoption.
One reader inquired about whether she should cut off contact with her child’s birth mother, saying: “She has an extensive criminal record, no violent crimes, lived on the streets and has used drugs.”
The birth mom does not know where the adoptive family lives and has never attempted to contact them. The parents wonder whether it would be “in the best interest of our child to stop all contact.”
This is a tricky one. While I certainly wouldn’t want a drug abusing criminal having contact with my child, I also believe in miracles. We all know of people who have made terrible choices, only to completely turn their lives around at some point.
While it may truly be in the child’s best interests to limit or prohibit contact during this period (especially if the birth mother seems to have no interest in maintaining contact), I would suggest leaving the door open for possible future contact.
In the book, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past, authors Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler explain why it’s important to be honest with your child about her less-than-perfect birth parents:
When a child does not have parental support in learning about her history, she is forced to develop an image of herself and her family based solely on misinformation and imagination. What she imagines and is unable to discuss may be far worse than the real situation. Adoptive and foster parents can learn to present even very difficult information in nonjudgmental ways, giving the child support and love while she is learning about her life circumstances.
So, while they don’t necessarily advocate contact, they do recommend truthfulness about the child’s biological family history, no matter how unsavory it may be.
Readers, what’s your opinion?
(Image in this post courtesy of iBAND.com)
im one of an adoptee in this situation but my adoption is confidentally closed. i would like to know my biological mother even though she’s a drug-abusing person. i believe there is a good side in her.