Scripture as a Bonding Tool

Both of our sons have some level of Reactive Attachment Disorder along with some other difficult diagnoses. These issues create a great deal of difficulty when it comes to creating that special bond that parents have with their children.

Biological parents, for the most part, have no difficulty when it comes to bonding with their children. The essential parent/child bond happens within minutes of birth and continues to grow naturally as the child grows. It is not a conscious effort that must be put forth by mom and dad. This is not so for the parents of children with attachment difficulties.

Everything in the lives of my children prior to arriving in our home has conditioned them to believe that adults cannot be trusted and ultimately, that love cannot be trusted. It is no easy task to convince either of our boys that trust is attainable and love is okay. They are constantly testing our resolve and our patience, waiting for us to give up as so many others already have.

We have tried many things to create bonding experiences with our boys. We work hard at creating memories to replace the junk that is stored up in their minds. We do fun things like go to auctions and teach the boys how to bid on the items and how to listen to the auctioneer. We build forts and the boys create “family flags” to fly over their wooden creations. We head out to the old farmstead and use the metal detector to search for hidden treasure. We usually find old nails, but they sure do love the search.

All of these things help to create a sense of belonging and a sense of family. They do not, however, do much on the love front. Love is a very hard concept for those who have never really experienced it. As we banged our heads against the wall, looking for answers, we were led back to the Author of love. God is Love and His word is chock full of amazing examples of unconditional love. Our boys didn’t understand what we meant when we told them we would love them no matter what. They did understand what it meant to die, to bleed, to suffer, and to be at the hands of monstrous people. When they began to understand that Jesus volunteered for the journey of pain to save someone else, they began to understand what love is.

When I couldn’t find the right words to tell my oldest son, T, how much I love him, I went to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a. “4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.”

Look over these words. I told T that these are the things that God puts in a mom’s heart, special words for her children. I told him that no matter what, my love for him would be patient, that I would wait as long as I needed to wait for him to be able to love me back. I told him that I would never hurt him because love is kind. I told him that I would never think more of myself because I loved him even when he couldn’t love me back because love does not boast. I explained that my love for him would keep me from being easily angered at his choices, that I would not hold grudges against him and tally up all his wrong doings. I shared with him that my love for him would always find the truth living in him rather than the evil. I cried with him as I explained that my love for him would cause me to do anything to protect him, that love would allow me to trust him, to find hope in a hopeless situation, and to persevere until my last breath. I told him that my love would never, ever fail, never give up, because it is a love that God placed in me for him.

T reminds me now that love never gives up. He quotes our favorite song by Matt Redman and says “We never let go Mom.”

Don’t underestimate the power of scripture to transform your relationship with your child. Find the words that speak to your heart and then share them with your child in a way he can understand. Use examples from his life to show him that God understands him. Don’t be afraid of the bloody mess of Jesus. Our kids know bloody messes. They will relate to the heart of God when you are not afraid to bring the realities of Jesus up close and personal. Before you arrive at the place where you don’t know what else to do, introduce your children to Jesus and let Him lead the way.

Photo Credit.

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