Problems That Arise Between Birth/Adoptive Parents in Open Adoption

Continued from the previous post.

In the last post I expressed my displeasure with Christian families who don’t abide by the terms of the communication agreement they sign—the contract that states how often they will send letters and pictures of their child to the birth family.

Let’s talk about the letters adoptive and birth parents exchange. First, some questions:

How deep a relationship can you have with a friend you haven’t seen or talked with since high school—a friend with whom you exchange Christmas cards?

Is your yearly Christmas card exchange fulfilling or merely obligatory? Do you remain in contact with this person because you were once great friends and you think you must keep the memory alive or you’d feel guilty?

How fulfilling is a relationship in which one person gives and gives and the other comes around only when they need something? If you are the “giver,” do you feel used?

These two scenarios are somewhat representative of the type of relationship some birth and adoptive parents have via their communication agreement.

They send the obligatory letters and pictures back and forth during the time specified on the contract, but their hearts are not in it. Because they’ve only met in person once (if that), they feel as if they are writing to strangers.

As a result, their letters are formal, stilted, and artificial-sounding. Kind of like the Christmas newsletter that recaps the year’s highlights.

In other cases, the adoptive parents faithfully send beautifully-written letters and truckloads of gorgeous pictures to the birth parents, never to hear a word in response. The communication agreement expires and eventually, the adoptive parents give up, assuming the birth parents don’t want to hear from them any more.

Years later, the birth mother calls her adoption agency, irritated that the adoptive family stopped writing to her.

“Did you ever write back to them?” asks her caseworker.

“Well, no.”

“Um…it’s a little hard for anyone to carry on a one-sided relationship indefinitely.”

The same scenario can happen in reverse. The birth mother sends regular, newsy letters about her life, allowing the adoptive family to get to know her. She writes reams of love letters to her child, hoping the adoptive parents will save them for the child.

If and when she receives a reply from the adoptive parents, it’s terse, abrupt, and impersonal.

The adoptive parents contact their caseworkers, complaining that the birth mother is overwhelming them with unsolicited letters.

“I’m afraid she’s not moving on with her life,” they say.

The caseworker replies, “Have you thought about what she might be feeling? About the intense grief she is experiencing? This is her way of letting you know she cares deeply about her child and always will. This is her way of letting you get to know a thoughtful, intelligent person—not just as a ‘birthmom figurehead,’ but as an individual. What have you done to let her get to know you?”

In the next post: More on birth/adoptive parent communication.

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