In domestic newborn adoptions, some degree of continuing contact among the birth and adoptive families is now the norm. In addition, prospective adoptive parents will likely be encouraged to meet the woman (and possibly, the man) who are pregnant with the child they hope to adopt – before the child’s birth.

As I discussed in my mega, 18-part series that detailed our own adoption story (see Part 6: “The Big Meeting”), every pregnant couple who was interested in selecting us to parent their child asked to meet with us (several of them requested multiple meetings).


The first meeting was the most nerve-wracking, because we had no idea of what to expect. My husband and I went in feeling as if we were “on trial,” and that we’d be expected to prove what great parents we’d be. In reality, we had no idea what kind of parents we’d be. We had ideas, of course, and hopes and dreams. But if you haven’t done it before, you’re pretty much limited to sharing those hopes and dreams.

During the course of our first meeting, we learned that the pregnant couple also had hopes and dreams – for themselves and for their child. They, too, were scared about meeting us and about facing the reality of the life-changing decision they were about to make.

While my hubby and I were busy wondering what they’d think of us, the pregnant couple was busy wondering what we’d think of them. So many people had condemned them for getting pregnant and had abandoned their friendship with them. So many people had offered them conflicting advice. Some told them they were selfish for deciding to place their baby for adoption: “You slept in your bed, now make it” (to reverse a common cliché).

Others told them they were selfish for considering parenting: “A baby will ruin your future.” We all felt relieved to sit down and share our lives with one another, with no expectations and no accusations.

Through the course of our first meeting, my husband and I learned that we should never view a pregnant couple as a “baby machine” or as the vehicle to bringing a child into our home, but simply as people – as people who had decided, for reasons of their own, to make the most difficult choice of their lives. These people craved our prayers, and that was one thing we could give them.

Continued in the next post