John’s comments puzzled me though.
I don’t know of any open adoptions where there is any doubt who is in charge. And, I did not read anything in your post that mentioned putting the birth parents’ rights ahead of everyone else.

Years ago Claudia Jewett stated in one of her books on older child adoption the adoption could only work if the adoptive parents were seen by the child as “the supreme arbitrater of their fate”. Sorry Laura, that doesn’t put the birth parent’s rights ahead of everyone else.

There is an excellent movie on older child adoption, ‘Second Best’, I went through an adoption very much like that. The statement of the adopted father at the is dead on “This can’t work if I am second best.” Yes open adoption can work, but only if the birth parents can accept that the adoptive parents must be in charge.

I help the boys maintain contact with the sibs, and extended family. Works well, no birth parents, either location unknown (and they abandoned the boy), or TPR for violence, or abuse.