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I often hear Christian leaders proclaim, “Open adoption is bad for the child. It’s bad for the adoptive parents. It’s bad for the birth parents. It’s bad for everyone.”
They make blanket statements about the danger of openness without backing up their statements with concrete explanations. Remind me again…exactly why is openness bad for everyone?
“Uh…because it confuses the child. He doesn’t know who his real parents are” (I hear that one all the time).
I’ve had many conversations with adults who run screaming the other direction when they hear the words “OPEN ADOPTION.” I’ve come to the conclusion that children aren’t the ones confused by openness; adults are.
Kids intuitively “get” openness. They live with their adoptive family. They maintain contact with their birth family. Everyone loves them. They love everyone. They get double the presents at birthdays and Christmas.
Adults, on the other hand, fume and fret. “It’s unnatural! It’s scary! It just isn’t right…I don’t know exactly why; it just isn’t.”
I wonder: What would Jesus say about open adoption?
Would he tell adoptive parents: “You’d better work really hard to pretend that those people who gave you their baby don’t exist. Be only as nice them as you have to be.”
I don’t think so.
I think Jesus would say: “Rejoice in the child who has been entrusted into your care. Understand that this child doesn’t belong to his birth parents. Neither does he belong to you. He belongs to ME. I’ve gifted you with the responsibility of raising him for a few short years. What are you going to do about it?”
I think Jesus would say: “Pray for the woman (and man) who gave you their child. Grieve for them. Befriend them. Love them. Honor them by faithfully fulfilling the terms of your communication agreement. Go the extra mile.”
I’m in a feisty mood this week, folks. I’m ready for the outcry from those of you who oppose open adoption. Lay it on me, baby! Let’s hear your reasons.
Other posts in this series:
Part 1: Maintaining Your Open Adoption Communication Agreement
Part 2: Problems That Arise Between Birth/Adoptive Parents in Open Adoption
Part 3: The Adoption Power Shift
Part 4: Three Ways to Develop Healthy Relationships in Open Adoption
Part 5: Why Do Birth Contacts Cut Off Contact in Open Adoption?
Great post!
It depends on the birth parents, how the child can process the more complex set of adults, and how it impacts the adoptive parents. Yes, they count too.
Years ago Claudia Jewett stated in one of her books on older child adoption the adoption could only work if the adoptive parents were seen by the child as “the supreme arbitrater of their fate”. Sorry Laura, that doesn’t put the birth parent’s rights ahead of everyone else.
There is an excellent movie on older child adoption, ‘Second Best’, I went through an adoption very much like that. The statement of the adopted father at the is dead on “This can’t work if I am second best.” Yes open adoption can work, but only if the birth parents can accept that the adoptive parents must be in charge.
I help the boys maintain contact with the sibs, and extended family. Works well, no birth parents, either location unknown (and they abandoned the boy), or TPR for violence, or abuse.
Really good series Laura!
John’s comments puzzled me though.
I don’t know of any open adoptions where there is any doubt who is in charge. And, I did not read anything in your post that mentioned putting the birth parents’ rights ahead of everyone else.