After I finished posting this morning’s article on the love of physical family, I received a lovely e-mail from my children’s birth grandmother in response to my e-mail wishing her a happy birthday! We are pursuing an open adoption, so I was so happy to hear back from her! Though I am an extrovert, and am rarely at a loss for words, I have been very shy in my budding relationship with our children’s birth family. Not because I have issues with them, or have judged them in some way, but because of my very honest fear of saying something hurtful, unintentionally, as we communicate in our open adoption.

Many times, when people are struggling to find “just the right words” in a situation, they say, “I know how you feel … “ Well, I don’t know how this family feels! Not in this situation, and I don’t want to come off as though I do. I am trying to balance the very natural loss this family feels, along with their desire for information about their children. Yes, I said, “their children.” My kids are my children, but they were their children first and remain part of their family. I am trying to graft our families together into a new configuration - one big family - and I hope to do everything within my power to make sure that stays the case until my children are of such an age that they can choose whether or not to continue the relationship. It is my sincere hope that they will, and I am trying to keep the lines of communication open with their birth family, so that can be a viable option.

When I didn’t get a reply within a few days of my e-mail, I was afraid just sending a note to them was such a violation and intrusion into their lives. I thought that maybe my very presence was a very painful reminder of the loss they have sustained these many years that the children have been in foster care. Then, I received a reply today! They were on vacation, and today was the first day back checking e-mail! Our birth grandmother was thrilled to hear from me! She was very conciliatory in tone, and said she was looking forward to hearing more from us. She thanked us for remembering her on her special day, and appeared touched at the gesture. I was very relieved!

I have some very real fears about treading lightly. I want to maintain that delicate balance of giving enough information so that the birth family feels involved and up-to-date; yet not appearing as though I’m gloating or flaunting my status as the kids’ adoptive parents. I know that must sound paranoid and crazy, but as a first timer to adoption, I am trying to do right by this birth family.

So, for all you first/birth parents out there, please offer your comments on how to forge a relationship as painlessly as possible. I know I can’t completely take away the pain, but I want to be inclusive in our open adoption, realizing that really, I am the outsider, not them ...