What happens when a birth mother establishes a relationship with her child, but then gives birth to another child, perhaps with a new partner?

What happens if the birth parent(s) move away?

What happens when the adoptive family adopts a second (or third, or fourth) child and they all have different birth parents and varying degrees of openness?

Our family has dealt with all of these situations. I don’t have any pat answers, but I can share how our family is working through them.

First, in regards to the birth mother having more children:

This has happened with both our sons’ birth parents. Our oldest son, Ben, has two half sisters and a third half sibling on the way. Our youngest son, Josh, has a full biological sister and brother (his birth parents married each other when he was 4).

I think it’s natural for the adopted child to feel jealous of the younger sibling and to experience a sense of personal loss. In our sons’ case, it was a loss of being #1 in their birth parents’ hearts and being at the forefront of their minds.

No matter how much a birth parent loves her child whom she placed for adoption, when she gives birth to another child, the one who is present with her every second of the day will naturally demand the lion’s share of her attention. Of course, that doesn’t mean she loves her (adopted) child any less; it’s just a logistical “given.”

Ben (who’s 14), recently asked his birth mom, “How come you kept them but not me?” She’d been anticipating that question with great trepidation, but she honestly explained to him her reasons for electing to place him for adoption when he was a newborn.

From our end, we emphasize to our sons how much their birth parents (even the one who is not in the picture) love them, always have loved them and always will. We also assure them daily of our love for them. I know, it sounds like a rather cheesy, trite solution, but I haven’t come up with a better one.

Josh’s birth parents have moved around quite a bit. As a result, we don’t see them as often as we’d originally planned. Because we do see Ben’s birth mom more regularly, Josh sometimes feels blue. While he’s old enough to understand that meeting on a regular basis is a logistical nightmare, he sometimes feels as if his birth parents don’t “like” him as much as his brother’s birth mother does.

Not long ago, Ben spent the weekend with his birth mom and her family. Josh was crushed because he hadn’t been invited. “How come Ben got to go to Jen’s house but I didn’t? he asked.

We discussed this issue privately with Jen, who had also been worried that Josh might have his feelings hurt. Our mutual solution: the next time they got together, Jen and her family invited both boys. We all met at a “neutral” location, where my hubby and I dropped the boys off for a few hours and Jen’s family (plus Ben and Josh) went out for pizza and shopping. So far, I haven’t heard complaints from any camp.

I’d love to hear from readers who are finding creative solutions to open adoption issues.

Other posts in this series:

Part 1: Maintaining Your Open Adoption Communication Agreement

Part 2: Problems That Arise Between Birth/Adoptive Parents in Open Adoption

Part 3: The Adoption Power Shift


Part 4: Three Ways to Develop Healthy Relationships in Open Adoption

Part 5: Why Do Birth Contacts Cut Off Contact in Open Adoption?

Part 6: Open Adoption: What Would Jesus Say?

Part 7: What, exactly, IS open adoption?

Part 8: Open Adoption: It Takes Work, but it’s Worth It