Part 1 of 2

I’m re-reading Patricia Irwin Johnston’s book, Adopting After Infertility. Early on in the book, she discusses how to deal with family and friends in regards to your fertility impairment.

Johnston points out that infertile people tend to be moody—every month, there’s that cycle of hope followed by despair. Events that other people celebrate, such as baby showers, Mother’s Day and kiddie birthday parties, make infertile people squirm and run for cover.

Infertile couples tend to be inwardly focused, she writes. There’s that fun daily basal body temperature chart, umpteen doctor’s appointments, a rigid schedule for intercourse, days and times to take medication…and the list goes on and on.

Frankly, most people don’t know how to act around infertile people. So, it’s up to the infertile couple (or adopting couple, if it comes to that) to educate and sensitize people. “Unless you educate them, you can’t expect them to understand your frustrations,” Johnston writes.

So, how do you do that? Johnston nudges readers to think back to when you first learned about your infertility. You probably didn’t know much about it. “You probably tended to deny it for a while because the idea was frightening.” You were probably embarrassed by it. Your friends and family are at that point now.

They don’t know what to think or what to say; they don’t know what causes infertility or how exactly to “cure” it. So they blurt out the first thing that comes to mind: “Relax and you’ll get pregnant. Adopt and you’ll get pregnant. Go on vacation. Drink a glass of wine. Avoid hot tubs. Wear boxer shorts instead of briefs.”

Johnston reminds us that we were probably guilty of insensitivity, too, before we knew “that infertility has emotional consequences rather than emotional causes, before you knew that it wasn’t primarily a female condition, before you realized that one in five couples experiences it.”

In the next post: Six tips for educating others about your infertility