This is the final post in a series that examines the book, Two Little Girls: A Memoir of Adoption, by Theresa Reid
Theresa Reid and her husband, Marc, decided to adopt their second child when their daughter, Natalie, was about 3 years old. Reid describes their reasoning, writing:
Our hearts were so full of Natalie that we did not have a burning desire for a second child for ourselves…we wanted Natalie to have a sister…we wanted Natalie—as an adoptive child of older parents in an extended family full of biological children-to have a sister who was also adopted; someone with whom she could share the “issues” as they arose; a sister with whom to dissect her parents; someone for her to love forever, someone to love her forever. So we went in search of a sister. But it couldn’t be just any sister. She had to be as fabulous as Natalie.
Reid reflects that they should have been thinking about finding a “sweet, helpless child who needs a family’s love.” They should have been thinking about sharing their home and love and resources with such a child.
But that’s not what motivated them. “We embarked on our quest for a second child not primarily to do good in the world, not primarily to rescue an unknown-but-already-loved child, but primarily to complete our family as we saw fit.”
I find her admission refreshing. So often, prospective adoptive parents convince themselves they have to go out and save the world; that God calls them to rescue orphans. They feel guilty because, deep inside them, what they really want is a child to complete their family.
While I believe that many parents are definitely called to adopt and I am completely in awe of parents who take on children with difficult challenges that most people wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole, I think that a bottom line remains: underneath the altruism, underneath your sense of calling, you ultimately must decide whether adding another child to your family helps you feel more complete as a person and as a family.
Reid unravels several of the key questions parents ask when considering whether to add a second child to the family:
*Can we love another child as much as we love our first one?
*There are risks involved with adopting – now the risks don’t just impact us parents, but they impact our first child, as well. Are we willing to subject our first child to those risks?
*Will the addition of a second child threaten our family equilibrium? Are we willing to stretch ourselves—to relearn how to be a family in new an different ways?
*Will our children bond? What if the much-anticipated sibling clashes with our beloved first sibling? What if they hate each other?
*What if the second sibling has difficult medical or behavioral challenges that consume all our time? Is it fair to our first child to make her play second-fiddle to a child we really didn’t have to bring into our home?
Adding a second (or a third, or a fourth) child to your family requires a willingness to empathize with one another’s struggles during the adjustment period and a commitment to mold a new family dynamic.
Readers: What factors have you weighed as you’ve considered adding an additional child to your family?
Other posts in this series:
Part 1: Book Review: Two Little Girls: A Memoir of Adoption by Theresa Reid.
Part 2: Reid’s desire to adopt a healthy infant.
Part 3: Reid’s decision to adopt internationally.
Part 4: Reid’s anxiety about accepting a referral.
For more about Two Little Girls, visit http://theresareidbooks.com.
