In a previous article, I discussed the benefits of establishing and maintaining traditions and rituals. That article focused mainly on holidays, though it did discuss other aspects. Now, I’d like to talk about more of the everyday “rhythms” of family life that lend themselves to traditions and rituals.

Growing up, every Saturday morning, I woke up to pancakes! I loved that ritual, and when my great-aunt (the pancake maker, and originator of the ritual) passed away, every Saturday was bittersweet for me.

So, now that I have a family of my own, where do you find me most Saturday mornings? In the kitchen, making pancakes, of course! I want to be more consistent at keeping this family ritual, but I’ve done fairly well of late. My kids love this, and, I’ve not had any complaints from hubby, either!

This same great-aunt used to do my hair as a child. I have pictures of her making “finger-curls” to my hair. I remember sitting at her feet in the living room of our house and having her fix my hair.

My daughter has thick, glorious ethnic hair, much like my own. She loves it long and is very proud of it. But, like mine, it takes a definite investment of time to maintain it properly. It takes me about 30-40 minutes to braid, and on the nights when I have to wash her hair, it can take an hour or more. We use this time to talk about a lot of things. Generally, we talk about spiritual things and it’s her time to process what she knows about God. On wash nights, this discussion occurs right before bed, which leads into our next ritual outlined below.

Another thing I remember about my childhood was a ritual with my mom. I would beg her to “pat me to sleep” and she would pat my back. Lately, it’s almost like having an out-of-body experience looking down on myself as a child, because my daughter has been asking me more and more often to pat her back. Because she has difficulty sleeping (one of the hallmarks of her PTSD), I was a little hesitant at first to initiate this, as I thought it might over-stimulate her. However, it proved successful, and though it did seem to keep her up a bit, gradually, she has regulated herself pretty well, and it has turned out to be a special time of bonding for us. Her therapist gave her some kid-friendly relaxation techniques that she’s been using. Additionally, she’s begun to talk to me more and more about things that scare her at night, so I’m taking the “back-patting” time as an opportunity to talk in a soft voice to her about how much she is loved (and I name all the people who love her), and how safe she is. I also remind her how God never ever sleeps and how He’s watching over her to keep her safe. I think this ritual has helped to calm her fears and get her to sleep, which has the added benefit of affecting her behavior for the better the next day, because she isn’t tired and cranky.

Finding frequent opportunities for rituals help traumatized children feel safe and secure. They also lend themselves to “teachable moments” in addition to optimizing the bonding process. Your children will have fond memories of these moments for years to come.