Today was our children’s birth brother’s birthday. We mailed off a big package on Monday that included handmade cards from all three of my children. Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to the kids’ birth grandmother (who has custody of this birth sibling), to ask if it would be alright to have the kids call him today to sing “Happy Birthday” and if so, arrange a time (given the time difference). So, today we called.

The kids got to talk to their birth grandmother, birth aunt, birth sibling and their first mom was visiting, so the kids got to talk to her again, as well.

I’ve heard that birthdays can be very difficult for first parents, and for this reason, I think today found our children’s first mother in a rather pensive mood. She sounded different to me, and though I think I get the gist of the gamut of emotions, I don’t want to presume to “know” how she feels.

Many times I’ve ached for what my children have been through, but today I ached for their first mom.

I wish there was an Adoption Etiquette book, that talked about what to do in the various situations those in open adoptions find themselves in! Just like in traditional etiquette books where they talk about what to call your mother’s second husband, and who should be seated (or not be seated!) near whom at a wedding when parents are divorced, this adoption book would give me guidance about birthdays in birth families; what to call the various members of the first family; and relationships between birth sibs, whether they remain with a firstparent, are placed with a foster or adoptive family, or are in kinship care.

But until that book is published, I can only pray that our children’s birth sibling had a wonderful birthday; and that their firstmother was able to find a measure of peace.