I am reading the book “The Jesus Priorities” for a book study at church. The book is about eight recurring themes from the Gospels.

The eight themes or priorities are:

• Heal
• Love
• Pray
• Spread the Word
• Build Up Treasure in Heaven
• Seek God’s Will
• Accept Children as Precious
• Live with Humility

Each week we discuss a chapter and how it plays in our own lives. I was reading the chapter on love and it was very hard for me because I am struggling with my feelings about my own emotionally disturbed son. I love him, but most days I don’t like being around him. Reading this chapter really affected me, especially when it talked about us receiving God’s mercy. I know I don’t give mercy as I should.

However, there was one part toward the end of the chapter that resonated with me. It says:

When we love those who cannot return our mercy or generosity, when the extension of our love holds no promise of reciprocity or reward, then we love as God loves.

This is the epitome of the description of my love for my son. The level of which I love him is certainly not returned. My son is in his third residential treatment center in as many years. His severe mental illness makes it dangerous for him to live with us. He has assaulted me, has done incredible damage to our home, and at one point he took a knife to my car and we found six knives hidden throughout his bedroom. For our safety he lives in an institutional setting. I love my son. Sometimes I get very angry at him but I do love him.

However, he does not feel the same about us. At best, we are people to talk to when he is upset. We are the people who take him out on passes to leave the facility. Some level of him thinks of us as his parents, but for the most part a relationship with him is set on his terms. We are allowed to get only so close to him. If we get too close he pushes away, if we get too far away, he is angry that we are not closer. It can make it very difficult to love him.

My son cannot love me to the level that I love him. This is certainly not a reciprocal relationship. I give and he takes. Many people have asked me why we continue to parent him and why we don’t terminate our parental rights. The simple answer is that he’s my son. God sent him to me for a reason. I don’t understand what that reason is and maybe I never will, but I know he’s supposed to be my son. Maybe it’s so that we can help him when he ages out of residential treatment. Maybe it’s to show him that not everyone will walk out of his life. I don’t know why, but I can’t let go of him nor can I live with him without fearing for my own safety.

Am I following the way that Jesus wants me to live? I don’t know, but I do know that I love my son who cannot love me the same way and I think that’s at least a start.



Photo credit