How to Negotiate Names for the Baby

Part 4 of 4

In the previous three posts, I addressed questions first/birth parents ask when meeting prospective adoptive parents:
How do you define open adoption?
What is your commitment to openness, and why?
Are you willing to sign an agreement to that effect, and to seek mediation if things break down?
In an open adoption, what will we call the various grandparents?
What should you call the first/birth parents?

Today I’ll talk about how to negotiate names for the baby.

What do you plan to name the baby?
Many prospective adoptive parents go into a meeting with the birth parents fearing that the baby’s name will be a deal-breaker.

What if the birth mother hates the name I’ve picked out?
What if she refuses to relinquish because she hates the name I’ve chosen?
What if she insists on keeping some pathetic, impossible-to-pronounce name she’s picked out?

Negotiating names can be tricky. Our oldest son’s birth mother called her son Andrew James, or AJ, when he was in the womb. Andrew is a nice name – it’s my brother’s name – which is exactly why we had decided not to name our son Andrew. Not that I don’t like my brother; I just didn’t want to name a second person in our family Andrew. And AJ? Well, we won’t go there. Suffice it to say that “initial” names don’t thrill me.

Our son’s birth mom looked completely crestfallen when we informed her that we had no intention of naming a boy Andrew or AJ. During our name-negotiation session, my husband and I tossed out several names, all of which were met with stony silence.

We ended up agreeing that if it was a boy, his middle name would be Robert, which is my husband’s first name and the birth father’s middle name. We came to no consensus on first names.

When the baby was born a few days later, his birth parents named him Benjamin. My husband and I tried out the name for a few days and decided that Benjamin was a nice, strong, Biblical name. We also wanted to honor them in some long-lasting means, and felt that keeping the name they’d chosen was a good way to do that. So Benjamin he is.

Our second adoption was a different story. Joshua’s birth parents didn’t name him in the womb (or they didn’t tell us if they did) and they asked us to name him. They told us, “We plan to get married and have more children together someday. We can give those children the names we’ve picked out (and they did). So Joshua he is.

Do you plan to keep any part of the name I give my child?
Since negotiating names can turn into an emotion-laden nightmare for both parties, it might work best to compromise on a name. You can do what we did, and keep the middle name the birth parents choose. Or you can add a second middle name, or hyphenate the first name (Benjamin-Andrew…B.A….no, that doesn’t work!). Or you can pick a name out of a hat.

Birth parents understand that adoptive parents legally have the right to change their child’s name once he’s adopted. So again, honesty is the best policy. If you really hate the name they’ve picked and intend to change it once the child joins your family, please tell them so. Don’t tell them, “That’s an interesting name. I’ll think about it,” when you know that you have no intention of thinking about it.

Honesty about one’s expectations, and continuing honesty throughout the child’s life are the hallmarks of a solid relationship among birth and adoptive families.

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