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Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment (I Corinthians 1:10).
I’ve been debating for some time now whether to blog about this or not, as our children’s birth family knows that I blog about adoption issues here at AdoptionBlogs. However, because I think this may be an issue that many adoptive families find themselves in, I think it’s something to throw out for discussion.
The situation to which I am referring involves disagreements between members of the birth family. When talking to one member of the first family, I am asked not to mention the conversation to a specific person in the first family with whom communication is poor. I have assured her that anything we discuss remains with me. Conversely, when I speak to the person in question, I let her know that the conversations she and I share do not get filtered back to the other person.
Compounding this is the fact that I also have a relationship with another member of the first family, one who apparently enjoys a good relationship with both of the family members under discussion!
Given the fact that my relationships with these family members are in their infancies, I’m hesitant to say the wrong thing to the wrong person inadvertently. Even if I don’t accidentally “let something slip,” it’s entirely possible that one of the kids could, since they talk to each one of these birth family members.
So, what to do?
Proclaim your neutrality: I’ve let members of the birth family know that I have one loyalty, and that is to my children. My sole goal is to keep the lines of communication open, so that my children have: 1) the opportunity to explore these relationships again so that when the time comes, the children can decide whether they wish to have a reunion; 2) access to medical and other vital information; and, 3) a source to go to for questions regarding issues that may arise as they deal with their adoptive status.
Don’t take things personally: Many families have some sort of dysfunctionality – and I don’t just mean birth families – so don’t get involved. Some of these issues were fermenting long before I was on the scene, and may continue long after my children are grown and gone. My job is clear: parent my children with their best interests at heart. If there are communication issues that pertain to you and any member of the first family, address it with the person in question. If there are issues that relate solely to some inter-family dynamic, let those directly affected work things out themselves.
Pray: Pray for peace – it’s good for the family and it’s good for your children. Pray for wisdom to hold your tongue; and for wisdom in discretion and discernment. Pray that you do not become entangled in issues that are not your own. Pray that you remain neutral; that you do not become a participant; or that you exacerbate things. Pray that you do not become judgmental. Pray that your children will be able to freely love everyone in their first family without “choosing sides” or alienating anyone. Pray for opportunities to share God’s word, as it has the power to heal breaches and divisions.
Continue on: Though sometimes I feel as though I am walking through a landmine with KISS boots on, I press on and continue my contacts with the family. I treat each member as I wish to be treated; not based on how they may treat each other.
Keep your pulse on things: There may be times when you will have to scale back the contact, to preserve your child’s psyche. If there were arguments and fighting in the first home, you will not want to risk re-exposing your children. Jan ran some excellent posts on the topic of closing an open adoption. It is not an option to be taken lightly or explored as a first option, but if issues become severe, it would be prudent to have a well articulated plan for exiting, even temporarily, until the environment becomes stable enough again to reintroduce openness.
I feel blessed to have such warm relationships with each member of our children’s first family. Thus far, we’ve been able to enjoy distinct and individual relationships, while maintaining neutrality.
If you’ve been touched by this issue, let’s hear from you! Knowing what worked, what didn’t work and how you’d handle it again if you ever had to, might just be what someone new to something like this might need!
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I think the fact that they are in a different state will help the situation. They may not like it or appreciate it, but if they try to gossip to you about the other family, you can tell them that you would rather not hear that. Remind them of your goal in these relationships, and that just doesn’t fit in. I think you are handling it well, prayer first always helps.