As a parent, spouse, co-worker – plain old human being – you are going to be angry sometimes. However, we’ve learned that, though God sanctions anger, He puts a prohibition on it. So, it begs the question, “How can we be angry and not displease God?”

Galatians 5 (“The Fruits of the Spirit”) provides some clues:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23, NIV)

Love: The Bible says, “the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13). Did you know it is possible to fulfill the biblical tenet of love without necessarily liking someone? It basically means having someone’s best interests at heart, and being willing to sacrifice your desires for the good of the other. An example of this would be when a complete stranger knocks someone out of the path of an oncoming car, or comes to the aid of another, as in the biblical story of the “Good Samaritan.”

How does this relate to anger? While engaged in “heated discussion” we must keep how we treat the other person foremost in our minds. We must be sacrificial and “go the extra mile” to make amends as Jesus commanded in Matthew 5. Roll over? Nope, not what I am saying. Jesus himself was written off my some as “milquetoast” however, meekness means “strength under control”!

Peace: Creating peace should be the goal! Not “having my say!” What are words that will lead to peace? Can you get your point across without hitting any “hot buttons?” Can you express yourself clearly, emphatically, devoid of all the “fancy trappings”? Experts tell us that active listening works wonders:

Use “I” statements: “You make me …” assigns blame and puts the other person off before you have a chance to get your sentence out, because now they are on the defensive, and have tuned you out to begin preparing a rebuttal. Rather, “I feel sad when …” helps to diffuse defensive feelings because you are taking ownership of how you are feeling, rather than blaming the other party.

Avoid “always” and “never” statements: “You never listen to me” isn’t true! Clearly, there are times when you do have discussions and the other person responds, so they do “hear”! What you mean is that you feel unheard.

Reframe: Repeat back to clarify or ensure you have heard correctly. “If I’ve hear you right, you are saying that when I say X, it makes you feel Y”

Patience: Take deep breaths. You don’t need to interrupt … take notes to jot down things you want to remember and respond to. Speak deliberately, not derogatorily.

Gentleness: How many times have we heard, “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar”? Frankly, I’d rather not catch any flies, but you get what this colorful expression is getting at! When someone takes the time to use a proper tone of voice, it’s easier to try to listen to what they are communicating. Yelling makes everyone feel bad, and it rarely accomplishes any good, unless used to save a life (like a child wandering into the street!). Anything you can say in a yelling voice in an argument, can also be said in an “indoor voice”.

Self-control: You are the “boss of you” … well, actually God is, and He is telling us that we can control our own responses. In James 3, the inspired writers tell us all about the dangers of the tongue and the harm our words can do!

Hopefully, you now have some strategies to employ the next time someone “gets your goat” and you can “be angry and sin not” (Ephesians 4:26)