“Your son looks so much like you and your husband – he looks as if he could be part of your family.”

“He is part of our family,” I reply.

“You know what I mean,” says my new acquaintance.

I am silent. I know what’s coming.

“He resembles you so closely. You’d never know that he’s not your real child.”

Adoptive families are regularly assailed by acquaintances who make thoughtless remarks in the presence of our children. We can choose to ignore the remarks, make an angry retort, answer graciously or respond with a little sly humor.

One weekend, we attended church with friends we were visiting. After the service, we introduced ourselves to the official friendly greeter. Upon spotting our olive-skinned son, friendly greeter person announced, “Your son doesn’t look anything like either of you. Who does he look like?”

“The milkman,” I deadpanned.

It’s helpful for families to develop strategies for dealing with intrusive questions. Some families invent a secret code word or gesture that lets others in the family know that they’re under busybody attack and are about to blow their stack. These code words can keep an unpleasant encounter from escalating, and it’s a fun way for families to develop a sense of camaraderie and mutual support.

Birth parents, too, are faced with intrusive questions and accusations.

“How many children do you have? How come you kept one child but put the other one up for adoption?”
“Why did you give up your child? I could never give away my own flesh and blood.”
“Do you want to take your child back?”
“Why were you so selfish that you didn’t even want to raise your own child?”

Let’s talk strategy, folks. What are the most irritating comments and uncomfortable questions that have been directed your way? How do you respond with grace and humor?