In today’s post, we continue reviewing helpful advice from the book, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past, by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler.

Adopted children rarely raise the issue of adoption themselves. But they think about adoption and about their birth families often. In some families, where adoption is never addressed directly, adopted children become consumed by thoughts about their adoption.

“They believe they are being disloyal to their parents if they continue to have feelings about their birth parents,” write the authors. “If they bring up the subject and sense that their parents are uncomfortable discussing it, they may avoid asking about it in the future.”

The authors state that adoption is one way of creating a family; it is not better or worse than other ways. “Adoption should be celebrated, not hidden,” they write. Parents should acknowledge their children’s questions and feelings about their birth parents with honesty and respect.

Remember, adoption is not the dreaded “sex” talk. Adoptive parents – not their children – have the responsibility to initiate conversations about adoption.

On the advice of the authors, I’ve begun bringing up the issue of adoption with my kids more frequently. Usually, it’s just part of our casual conversation:
“I wonder what your birth parents are up to this week? Would you like to call them or send them an e-mail?”
“Do you ever get asked about adoption at school? What do people want to know? How do you respond to their questions?”
“Do their questions make you uncomfortable?”
“Can I help you practice some ways you might respond to their questions?”

I love to share stories with them about funny things they did and said when they were little. Those stories often incorporate an adoption slant.

Talking about adoption as part of our everyday conversation helps “normalize” it for our kids – who sometimes feel a little different, especially at school – and it gives them a safe place in which to discuss their questions, fears, misgivings, dreams, and milestones.