Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.One person regards one day above another, another regards every day alike Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind. He who observes the day, observes it for the Lord, and he who eats, does so for the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who eats not, for the Lord he does not eat, and gives thanks to God. For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. (Romans 14:4-8)

In a previous article, we discussed the important role traditions and rituals play in our lives. But traditions and rituals vary from family to family. Some holidays are emphasized with elaborate plans and festivities, while others barely get notice, other than a day off of school or work.

But what happens when the child(ren) you’ve adopted celebrate a holiday differently than your family, or didn’t celebrate it at all due to cultural prohibitions? How do you communicate and translate these differences?

Re-framing the issue: In my article on anger, we discussed the role of active listening. Using "I" (or in this case, "we") messages, helps deflect communicating blame. It is important that my children don’t feel as though I am putting them down (or their foster family, or birth family). So, when communicating differences in celebrations, I’ve merely said, “In our family we …” or “We don’t [whatever it is] because …”

Educate: The last of my re-framing examples above uses education to help children understand variances in how holidays or traditions are celebrated. For (a controversial!) example, there are general three schools of thought around Christians and Halloween celebrations: those who celebrate it with traditional “trick or treating” (albeit with the caveat of no scary costumes); those who have Halloween “alternatives”; and those who eschew the holiday all-together because of the underpinnings of the day. My [adopted] children are used to a traditional Halloween with costumes. Our family has never celebrated it with our [biological] son. So, we’ve had many discussions to help the children understand why we do what we do.

Tolerance: Given that our family is pretty non-traditional when it comes to holidays (not only at Halloween, but many other “traditional” holidays are celebrated quite differently), it’s important that my children understand that it’s just how our family does it, and isn’t an indictment upon anyone else who may or may not celebrate, or doesn’t celebrate as we do.

No blabbing: Along with the tolerance message, the kids are forbidden to “blab.” By this I mean, that in our family, we don’t do Santa, the Tooth Fairy, or any other made up icons, because “all good gifts come from God.” That said, my children are absolutely not allowed to share this information with children who do believe in these entities. It’s not their job, and it goes along with tolerance and being understanding of the various “flavors” within Christianity, and outside of it.

In some situations, there may be room to graft traditions together, or form new ones. In other instances, because of a strong conviction about something, this may not be possible. In the case of the latter, employing these tips should help.

I really wasn’t sure how my children would react to the fact that we do things a little differently here at Casa Stro. So far, however, my daughter has been yammering away to me about how our family does or doesn’t do this or that, and has generally taken everything pretty much in stride. I think a lot of it has to do with the matter-of-fact way our traditions are communicated; the education that goes along with it (kids love being able to wrap their minds around the “why” of something); and the fact that we are not judging or condemning others who practice things differently than we do.