When people first heard we were adopting, I heard all sort of questions. Things like, "Why is the mother ‘giving them up’?" Or, "[The mom]’s not addicted to anything, right?" I suppose the need humans have to label things drives them to comment on things they have little knowledge of, to help them better understand something.

Yet, for those on the receiving end, it can be disconcerting. In my past, I have suffered from episodes of clinical depression. I heard things like, "If you had more faith"… or, "If you just prayed more". I can’t imagine anyone saying that to someone with cancer or in a wheelchair! I also suffered a miscarriage and heard things "meant" to help me, but actually made it harder emotionally … and left me feeling I just had to "take it" because the person probably couldn’t hear or understand where I was coming from.

So it is with adoption. People, I assume, are well-meaning and well-intentioned. However, there are many issues to be considered:

• Confidentiality: That of the biological parents, and that of the children.
• Gaps in knowledge: Hey, I’m the adoptive parent! I’m not inside the mind of the biological parent. They came to the adoption decision for any number of reasons. All of which are between them, God and possibly a significant other or support person.
• Common courtesy: I long for the return to a "Mayberry-esque" society where you didn’t see women in their underwear posed on cars in television ads; and feminine hygiene or male "enhancement" or performance wasn’t discussed in mixed company … I don’t know, maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I think we take too many liberties with people we don’t know intimately!
• Little pitchers have big ears: Siblings of those to be adopted can overhear (and can later repeat!), as well as the adopted children themselves. Some people are indiscriminate about anyone else who might be present when questions or remarks are made!
• My feelings: When I get these questions, I feel put on the spot, and often don’t know what to say. As a Christian, I don’t feel that I can lie, so I find myself revealing more than I would like, in some cases. I need to learn to say, "I don’t know" or "I would have to speculate and I just don’t feel comfortable doing that."
• It can come back to haunt you: People have long memories about things they consider "noteworthy" in a negative sense. If you reveal too much, it can later be repeated to your child(ren) as they search for information later on.

How have you dealt with this issue?