For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

As each child is different, so must a parent’s approach to discipline match the child’s age, personality and ability.

Years ago, I was a Child Development major in college. I studied typical and atypical development as well as psychopathology. Since I wanted to be an Early Childhood Educator, I studied disciplinary techniques. It was the first place I ever heard of Withdrawal of Approval.

Children are eager to please adults. The downside to this is that they comply with the wishes of their abusers or those in power over them. The upside is that with stable, loving adults, the temporary loss of approval (not the loss of love or affection) can be a motivator to improve or eliminate poor behavioral choices.

In order to be affective, this technique must be used for short bursts of time. The child cannot be made to feel that you do not love or care about them. They simply need to know that the choice they have made has distanced them from you.

In order for this technique to even be one to consider, you must have achieved a close level of attachment with your child. Otherwise, the temporary loss of your approval means nothing, and is therefore, not an internal change agent. Further, it may take several instances of employing this technique before the child makes the correlation between the undesired behavior and the withdrawal of approval.

Some may find this technique to be controversial in the case of children who have been victimized in their struggle to please an adult. To that I say, read what I have written again. You must be firmly and securely attached to your child. Your child must know of your love and affection. Further, it is a temporary state. Also note that this is but one disciplinary technique of many a parent should have. Not every technique will work on every child, every time. Evaluate the “behavioral breech” and see what technique will best fit the situation, including ignoring whatever it is the child did. Sometimes, kids are just kids!

I have used this technique with my daughter. Not only did she ‘fess up to the lying, but she was able to articulate that if she made “better pee-pee choices” the approval would be re-instated. She was clearly able to see the correlation.

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