Comments on: Dilemma of the Week – Trying to Fail? http://christian.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail Adoption from a Christian perspective - Topics include: religion, faith, prayer, and Christian adoptive parenting. Sat, 13 Feb 2010 02:44:36 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Marie Stroughter http://christian.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail/comment-page-1#comment-578 Marie Stroughter Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:41:50 +0000 http://christian-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/23/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail#comment-578 Thanks for your insight, Julie. As someone who has been on the front lines, your input is invaluable....Thanks!<br /> <br /> M. :) Thanks for your insight, Julie. As someone who has been on the front lines, your input is invaluable….Thanks!

M. :)

]]> By: Julie http://christian.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail/comment-page-1#comment-577 Julie Mon, 25 Feb 2008 11:59:09 +0000 http://christian-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/23/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail#comment-577 Marie,<br /> <br /> I think your first conclusion was likely the biggest reason- she can't handle all the positive because it doesn't fit with her negative self-image. The only thing I'm finding that helps with that is very small (and I mean SMALL) doses of praise, coupled with as few of negatives as possible. Absolutely no lectures...because that feeds the negative self-image and shame BIG time. I know...I love to lecture (and ask why) all the time. Then I remember that I can't appeal to this child's logic to get a behavioral change.<br /> <br /> It's hard work!<br /> <br /> Hang in there. And remember how good her day was up to that point. <br /> <br /> (Also, I think there's some truth about the fear of bedtime and trauma associated there that's worth considering.) Marie,

I think your first conclusion was likely the biggest reason- she can’t handle all the positive because it doesn’t fit with her negative self-image. The only thing I’m finding that helps with that is very small (and I mean SMALL) doses of praise, coupled with as few of negatives as possible. Absolutely no lectures…because that feeds the negative self-image and shame BIG time. I know…I love to lecture (and ask why) all the time. Then I remember that I can’t appeal to this child’s logic to get a behavioral change.

It’s hard work!

Hang in there. And remember how good her day was up to that point.

(Also, I think there’s some truth about the fear of bedtime and trauma associated there that’s worth considering.)

]]> By: Marie Stroughter http://christian.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail/comment-page-1#comment-576 Marie Stroughter Mon, 25 Feb 2008 00:35:18 +0000 http://christian-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/23/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail#comment-576 How interesting! Thanks for pointing that out, Julia! It's a well-timed tip, too, because her Bible class mentioned something our daughter said to her, that reinforces the low self-esteem concept. Definitely something I need to mull over.<br /> <br /> M. :) How interesting! Thanks for pointing that out, Julia! It’s a well-timed tip, too, because her Bible class mentioned something our daughter said to her, that reinforces the low self-esteem concept. Definitely something I need to mull over.

M. :)

]]> By: Julia Fuller http://christian.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail/comment-page-1#comment-575 Julia Fuller Sun, 24 Feb 2008 18:42:47 +0000 http://christian-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/23/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail#comment-575 Bumblebeeskies, you are in good company. The man who spoke in Mark 9:24 felt just like you. Jesus said to him, '"If You can!" All things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, 'I do believe; help me in my unbelief.' We are all there at times. <br /> Marie, Julie talks about her daughter Lulu being suspicious and screwing up if she over praises her. Lulu feels undeserving of that much praise and I guess feels like it is a lie or manipulation. So Julie is careful to notice good behaviors that she wants to reinforce, but to understate the praise, just a word and then drop it. Just a thought. Julia Bumblebeeskies, you are in good company. The man who spoke in Mark 9:24 felt just like you. Jesus said to him, ‘”If You can!” All things are possible to him who believes.’ Immediately the boy’s father cried out and began saying, ‘I do believe; help me in my unbelief.’ We are all there at times.
Marie, Julie talks about her daughter Lulu being suspicious and screwing up if she over praises her. Lulu feels undeserving of that much praise and I guess feels like it is a lie or manipulation. So Julie is careful to notice good behaviors that she wants to reinforce, but to understate the praise, just a word and then drop it. Just a thought. Julia

]]> By: Marie Stroughter http://christian.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail/comment-page-1#comment-574 Marie Stroughter Sun, 24 Feb 2008 06:10:25 +0000 http://christian-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/23/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail#comment-574 I absolutely agree! As someone who has struggled with not one, but two types of depression, *and* ADD, I understand what you mean when you mention the bit about showers. Been there, done that for sure.<br /> <br /> I also know this is deeper. We're in the process of changing insurance, and I did not want her to start with a new therapist that she would have to uproot and leave. But I am anxious to get her in with the "right" person for her. <br /> <br /> On the other hand, I do know she is capable of making the appropriate toileting choices for long periods of time (six-months or more!). Thus, my concern and puzzlement.<br /> <br /> As to your other point, in many of my posts I have often mentioned the verse that helps me on days where I'm hung up on felling like I am "ADD girl":<br /> <br /> For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12).<br /> <br /> Hopefully, that verse helps you, too. God *does* know what you are dealing with. He *does* know your challenges. And He *does* know what you are capable and incapable of.<br /> <br /> Best wishes to you & thank you for reaching out to me! I absolutely agree! As someone who has struggled with not one, but two types of depression, *and* ADD, I understand what you mean when you mention the bit about showers. Been there, done that for sure.

I also know this is deeper. We’re in the process of changing insurance, and I did not want her to start with a new therapist that she would have to uproot and leave. But I am anxious to get her in with the “right” person for her.

On the other hand, I do know she is capable of making the appropriate toileting choices for long periods of time (six-months or more!). Thus, my concern and puzzlement.

As to your other point, in many of my posts I have often mentioned the verse that helps me on days where I’m hung up on felling like I am “ADD girl”:

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12).

Hopefully, that verse helps you, too. God *does* know what you are dealing with. He *does* know your challenges. And He *does* know what you are capable and incapable of.

Best wishes to you & thank you for reaching out to me!

]]> By: bumblebeeskies http://christian.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail/comment-page-1#comment-573 bumblebeeskies Sun, 24 Feb 2008 04:28:32 +0000 http://christian-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/23/dilemma-of-the-week-trying-to-fail#comment-573 Marie,<br /> I have emotional deprivation disorder, which causes a lot of depression and various anxiety dx's. Some days, I am able to conciously make myself relate to others around me, for short periods of times. Somed days, I can't. Sometimes, I am able to get up and take a shower, but even though I know that I should, I just can't. I tell you all that to get to my main point...<br /> Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how God judges people. One big problem of EPD, is not being able to trust people. I'm sure that I probably don't trust God as much as my mom does, or that you do, or a pastor, etc. It's not that I don't want to, it's just something I'm incapable of. However, I have to believe that a compassionate God, most likely judges us each individually and based on our capabilities.<br /> <br /> Often, when you suffer from mental illnesss, what you are capable of, changes day to day or even hour by hour. Unless your daughter is under 3, which I don't think she is, I would think that there must be something wrong with her mentally, to be going to the bathroom in her pants. Whether she shows it or not, she is probably embarassed by it. However, whatever she gets out of it emotionally, that makes herself feel better, must be worth more to her than clean pants and her parent's praise. Marie,
I have emotional deprivation disorder, which causes a lot of depression and various anxiety dx’s. Some days, I am able to conciously make myself relate to others around me, for short periods of times. Somed days, I can’t. Sometimes, I am able to get up and take a shower, but even though I know that I should, I just can’t. I tell you all that to get to my main point…
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how God judges people. One big problem of EPD, is not being able to trust people. I’m sure that I probably don’t trust God as much as my mom does, or that you do, or a pastor, etc. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just something I’m incapable of. However, I have to believe that a compassionate God, most likely judges us each individually and based on our capabilities.

Often, when you suffer from mental illnesss, what you are capable of, changes day to day or even hour by hour. Unless your daughter is under 3, which I don’t think she is, I would think that there must be something wrong with her mentally, to be going to the bathroom in her pants. Whether she shows it or not, she is probably embarassed by it. However, whatever she gets out of it emotionally, that makes herself feel better, must be worth more to her than clean pants and her parent’s praise.

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