Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin (James 4:17; NASB).

My daughter had a spectacular day yesterday – simply stellar! She made appropriate toileting choices, she spoke considerately to others, and was warmly and genuinely praised for her efforts by her Dad and I, as well as both of her brothers.

So, why, right before bedtime, did she choose to wet her pants? All this after repeatedly praising her for the good choices. All this after telling her for days that her poor choices lead to a terrible smell that sets off my asthma. All this after getting a case of "diaper rash" because she snuck the training pants reserved for nighttime use only, and wore them during the day to avoid telling us of her poor toileting choices.

There are a few conclusions to draw:

Making poor choices is her “comfort zone”: It sounds crazy, but if you come from a background of trauma or abuse, and where you are made to feel that you are “the screw up” all your life, you don’t know what to do when you are finally successful. I know this from my own background as “ADD girl”. You want to do well, you crave getting it right just once in your life - and then, when you have your golden moment to shine, you muck it up royally because success is as foreign to you as Aramaic, and that is a scary feeling. Messing up feels bad, but at least you know what that’s going to feel like and familiar is good (even when it’s bad). Crazy logic, isn’t it? But, let me give you an example that might help illustrate this: Heaven is great, isn’t it? Beautiful place. With God eternally. All that. But, in order to get there, you have to die. Death = unknown; thus scary. Pain, suffering, misery. We don’t like those. But, if we are suffering and in misery and pain, we would almost rather have that because we know it, rather than die because we are scared of it and don’t know what that experience is like, even though we know being with God has got to be better. That’s the kind of logic at play with this scenario.

It’s a trade-off: My daughter is terrified of nighttime and going to bed. She constantly worries about “bad guys” coming to get her. Thus, if she pulls some stunt before going to bed, maybe we’ll lecture her forever and delay her having to go to bed. A lecture and disappointing us is still better than lying in a semi-dark room with scary thoughts.

Negative attention is still attention: She got plenty of positive attention for making good choices. She got genuine praise. She tasted success! But, when you are in your room, the show is over, so how do you get that spotlight back on you? Make a poor choice, because negative attention is still attention.

Sound off, Gentle Readers. What has been your experience with this issue?

Previous Dilemma of the Week Posts:

Rudeness
Hygiene
Encopresis

Insomnia
Parenting and Salvation (Series) Part One, Two and Three

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