A little over a year ago, the little girl who would later become my daughter, got sent home with a note for her foster mother. The note stated that she had been taking things from class. Sadly, this wasn’t the first incident, either. She had taken money from some of the other kids.

Fast forward a few months later - after the adoption and her transition to her new home - stealing is still an issue. Albeit abated somewhat, but nonetheless, our daughter has been taking things without permission.

It’s a complex issue for us, as her parents, to deal with, because it appears as multi-layered as an onion and stinks just about as much! On one level, it’s clear she wants to be “caught” as she is making it pretty obvious who is behind the disappearances.

In her pre-placement file, it mentioned that the kids initially hoarded food - nothing surprising there - as this is often a common issue with newly adopted children, especially ones from backgrounds where resources have been scarce. The kids birthmother told us there had been rough patches, where money didn’t stretch and food was a struggle.

However, at the time that our daughter got the note sent home, she had been in foster care for well over a year, and her daily needs, at that point in time, had been consistently met.

Further, when we first adopted the kids and got home with them, neither one hoarded food. Thus, I think that train has left, and what we’re seeing is borne of some other need. I honestly think it’s an issue of attention. I’ve mentioned that our family just had to deal with yet another diagnosis, and that my daughter was feeling a little put out by the lack of spotlight (as any child might feel).

She appears truly repentant, yet will go right back to it within hours. It looks to me like in her child-like rationale she can’t figure out any other way to get the spotlight to turn back on her again, so she reverts to whatever got it on her the last time.

Unlike the Pee-Pee Saga, however, coming up with a fair consequence is a little harder in that there are two issues at work here: one is a spiritual issue, and one is a behavioral one. Like the Pee-Pee Saga, we want to try something that is low-key and doesn’t reinforce the behavior (not give it positive or negative energy). However, in a Christian home, you have to address the spiritual, and that does require addressing the morality of the choice (and that being that it is a choice inconsistent with God’s will for us).

I’ve had mixed success with having her memorize Scripture related to whatever “offense” she has committed. Knowing what the Bible says is never a “mistake” - don’t get me wrong - it’s just that some behaviors are ingrained in her, and though the verses are in there, the behavior is rooted in there, too, and will take time to dissipate. We have issued a punishment each and every time we have caught her stealing, and have told her that anything that violates a spiritual command will be addressed.

On the behavioral end of things, we are instituting a drawer that is just for her that she may withdraw treats from, with permission. This way, it’s hers (attention/spotlight), yet she learns to ask.

Previous Dilemma of the Week Posts:

Trying to Fail?

Rudeness
Hygiene
Encopresis

Insomnia
Parenting and Salvation (Series) Part One, Two and Three

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