e-mail
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24)
I have posted several times in past about my daughter’s tendency toward rudeness, but today had to be some sort of world record! She had three separate incidents of indescribable rudeness toward those she calls friends. After each incident, I told her what she did and why it was rude. After the second one, I specifically told her not to say anything unless it was something she would want said to her. I was explicit on this point. So, why less than two hours later, did she hurt her new “best friend’s” feelings by telling her that her singing wasn’t pretty?
This one has me really, truly stumped! Is she intentionally trying to distance herself? That if she can keep people away from her, they can’t hurt her emotionally? Does she have something besides PTSD, like ADD, ODD or Borderline Personality Disorder? Is she egotistical, or narcissistic?
It often appears as though she tunes everything and everyone out. If I’m talking, she’ll think her own thoughts and miss most of what I’m saying. Or, she might have a thought occur to her, and keep thinking it until you finish up with whatever you want to say, so she can interject. Either way, she’s missing your point.
I want to be compassionate because I went though this as a child myself, as I had undiagnosed ADD. But, on the other hand, because I was so miserable because of my poor social skills, I really want my daughter to get this lesson and get it quickly. I’m tempted to let her feel the consequences of her own behavior. Let her brothers shun her as they are sometimes wont to do, when she has been particularly rude to them.
I’ve had her write out memory verses, as they relate to the tongue and our words. We started our little Worthy Women Club, to encourage each other to be kind and virtuous. But, I have to tell you, I am really running out of ideas, here!
This issue is very near and dear to me, so I’m not very objective and dispassionate. But, because of that, I do feel a great deal of empathy. What has worked for you and your child, as you have dealt with this issue?
Previous Dilemma of the Week Columns:
Dear Marie,
I was touched by your concern as it reminded me of my daughter, who is now 22, and my feelings and approach when she was younger. I, too, for years tried to “help” her to be more socially appropriate and kinder. I tried to understand why she was so rude and inappropriate, thinking if I could get to the reason behind it, we could be of even greater help. I desperately wanted to spare her from all the alienation and rejection she was sure to face, or was already facing.
But then the Lord showed me something. My worry and anxiety, my frequent application of scripture, my hovering and steering,all served to be of greater harm than the rejection she suffered from others. In a way, I was saying,”You are
defective and in need of fixing.”
Of course I never meant to say that with my concern! One day I threw my hands up to the Lord and said, “What more do you want me to do???” He replied, “Have faith in Me.” To which I replied, “I know that…. but what more do you want me to do?? His answer, “The BEST thing you can DO is have faith in Me!” A searing moment.
Through the years, my daughter continued to struggle with social situations, getting the connection between what she says and does and how it affects others. And I continued to show her a better way – “try saying it this way, rather than that…” However, the greater emphasis has been to speak to her strengths, show her unconditional love, and demonstrate that all the world can reject her, but we will always be on her side, and to the extent we could, tried to not fall into the trap of thinking she deserves to be alienated because of her actions and words.
We would declare blessings, love, and acceptance outside her door at night when she slept. God often reminded us that she was not created for rejection, but love. That is what she is entitled to.
At 22, my daughter is coming into her own. She is an amazingly creative and competent hair stylist, having to make conversations, and be polite, and social!! Recently she had a revelation from God that she is called to help women believe in their beauty. He is so faithful.
Marie, God has a wonderful plan for your daughter. Ask Him to see her with His eyes….daily. You will find yourself worrying less and you will see the hand of God in her more and more. I hope this helps.
Maryann