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In the previous post, I included an excerpt from Joseph Bentz’ novel, Cradle of Dreams. Today I reflect further on one part of the home study process.
Part 1: Adoption Fiction: Cradle of Dreams
As we checked off the boxes, we wondered whether we were somehow limiting God by declining to accept a child He may have wanted in our family. And then there was that whole aspect of competition. We worked with an agency that had 30 or 40 other couples all vying for the same pool of children. We feared that if we checked too many boxes, our chances of getting chosen by a woman planning to place her child for adoption might be nil.
Now, looking back on the process, I’m a strong believer in checking those little boxes. The List is one part of the adoption process you do have some control over, and you need to consider each item on it very, very seriously. If you check that you’re willing to parent a child who has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, than, by George, you’d better know a lot about what you’re getting into ahead of time (and ideally, have experience working with children who have FAS).
The same goes for any of the items on The List. I’ve met a lot of parents who thought they could handle anything, and ended up experiencing years of heartbreak because they adopted a child who had challenges they weren’t equipped to deal with.
Yes, there are frequently surprises with adopted children – many of them seem “fine” at first and parents don’t learn about certain challenges until years down the line. So, when you’re given the opportunity during the home study process to state your comfort level with different “issues,” don’t be afraid to do so!
Recently, I talked with Mardie Caldwell, author of a terrific book called, AdoptingOnline.com. She told me that during her 20 years as an adoption professional (domestic infant adoptions), she’s seen three-to-four times more adoptive parents back out of adoption at the last minute than birth mothers.
We always hear about birth parents changing their minds at the last second, but adoptive parents? Mardie said she’s heard every excuse in the book from would-be adoptive parents, including:
- The birth mother is a redhead and I don’t want a red-headed child.
- The birth mother is short and we’re tall.
We’ll only take a girl. - I don’t like the birth mom’s nose.
- The baby’s skin is too dark – he won’t blend in with the rest of us in family photos.
These excuses sound just plain selfish to me. Think about how a mother who’d chosen a family to adopt her baby would feel at being told someone didn’t want her baby because she had a long nose!
It all comes back to The List. Prospective adoptive parents need to take The List seriously. Setting careful parameters for the kind of child you want to adopt won’t eliminate you, and it may just help you get matched with a child who’s a perfect fit for your family.
I recently chatted with author Joseph Bentz about his book, Cradle of Dreams. To read the interview, please visit my Exploring Adoption blog.
