Comments on: ‘Dear Abby’ Advises Birth Mom to Keep Mum About Child She Relinquished

By: llama-mama

llama-mama — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:28:45 +0000

Hmm, this is the first post I’ve found that deals with the topic of telling subsequent siblings. Like Heather, I’ve searched for help and advice and found nothing. My situation: I became pregant by my boyfriend at 15 (after a childhood of abuse). We decided together to put her up for adoption and had no further contact (though I knew her new name and the county she was being adopted into). Two years later, I got pregnant again, but this time, we got married (different dad). Telling my kids about their sibling when they were growing up wasn’t really an option, because it remains a VERY touchy subject with my husband, even after 20 years! Now, she is 22, and I have 3 kids, 19, just turned 18, and 16. They do not know about my childhood situation nor their sibling. I’ve always felt I should tell them at some point, but when? They’ve figured out that their dad and I were married young (and pregnant, I’m sure), but I’ve avoided this partly because I wished I hadn’t been sexually active at all, and have always told them they shouldn’t be. Further, I haven’t figured out if/when they should know I was abused, and the 2 go together in my mind. I have recently “found” my first born by searching myspace, and so the whole thing is less abstract now. I could actually show her to them, initiate contact, etc… but I just don’t know if I should…I’d love to hear other views on this. Please feel free to email me…

By: hhdavis29

hhdavis29 — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 05:01:46 +0000

I have been struggling with this. There seems to be a book on everything about adoption EXCEPT for how to tell your 6 and 9 year old that they have a brother. It’s really frustrating, and I do wish I had told them from the start. In retrospect, the perfect way would have been to include their brother when we say our bedtime prayers. Too bad, I thought of that one a little too late. Of course, I have prayed for that child everyday for the last 18 years and 6 days!

My sons have a friend who is adopted, so they are aware of what it means…on a very general level.

At this point, I’m unsure of how to approach the subject. Do I wait? Do I not wait? What do I say? How do I field the questions of Where you married? I thought you had to be married to have a baby? How old were you? WOW, really? I’m afraid of them being angry with me and thinking less of me. That’s what my brain tells me. My heart tells me that it will all be fine. I just don’t know where to start or what to say? My husband is very supportive of me, and will take my lead on this one (he is not the birth father). Obviously, he doesn’t know the right thing to do either!

Any advice, book suggestions, etc. would be very much appreciated! Heather

By: Jan Baker

Jan Baker — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 06:34:32 +0000

I never told my children about their brother, and I am paying for that today – 37 years later – still. Abby’s advice is horrible. Yours is perfect. She has no clue!

By: Coley S.

Coley S. — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 03:04:47 +0000

Hey I was gonna post about this tomorrow! LOL

By: marymartha

marymartha — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 22:17:05 +0000

my husbands best friend didn’t know his father growing up and his dad went on to get married and have other children. When the oldest son was an adult he decided to visit his dad and meet him. An hour before he got there the dad told his other kids about the son. The kids were ranging in age from 6 to 13. Not good. The oldest now has severe problems and has completely alienated all that is good about his life. Tell them NOW.