In the previous post, I introduced you to Jessica, a woman who placed a baby for adoption and now is engaged to be married. She asks Abby to advise her how she should tell her future children about their half-brother.

Abby responds:

I do not agree that your children should be told “from their earliest memory” that they have a half-brother who was adopted by another family. It will be easier for them to understand when they are older, and you are talking with them about the facts of life and the consequences of unprotected sex. They need to be able to engage in a dialogue with you about it at a time when they can fully comprehend your honest answers.

My response to Abby’s advice:

Abby almost always gives sound advice concerning adoption, but I believe she is way, way off the mark on this one. Her response smacks of the misconceptions many of the closed adoption mindset hold dear: “If we pretend this child doesn’t exist,” no one will be forced to deal with an uncomfortable subject.”

Well, adoption is an uncomfortable subject and it’s better for all parties involved in an adoption to deal with the subject head on. If Jessica and her husband wait until their kids are in fifth or sixth grade (or however old Abby thinks kids need to be before they’re ready to learn the facts of life), it’s going to become far too easy for Jessica to wait a little longer…and a little longer. Suddenly, her kids will be 18 years old and Jessica will be faced with owning up to the fact that she’s lied to her kids their entire lives.

How do you think her kids are going to react to that?

And what about the son Jessica placed for adoption? Doesn’t he deserve the opportunity to get to know his birth siblings? Or at least to know that they exist? Or at least to know that they know he exists? How is he going to feel when he senses that his birth mom is too afraid to tell his siblings about his existence?

I have some first-hand experience with this situation. Our sons’ birth mothers both married several years after placing them in our family. Both birth mothers have gone on to birth two additional children. We’ve interacted with their (other) children since they were newborns, and their kids (who are between the ages of 1 and 4 now) have always known that they have a big brother who lives with another family.

Their parents explain adoption to them in age-appropriate ways, and for now, their children are satisfied with those explanations. As they get older and begin asking, “Why doesn’t big brother live with us?” their parents answer their questions honestly, saving the sex-ed and unprotected sex part of the explanation for a few years down the line.

And the kids get it! They aren’t confused. They aren’t distressed. And they certainly aren’t scared. And it’s all because their parents take the time to be honest with them, in a loving, age-appropriate manner.

Abby’s advice is completely based on fear and doesn’t give children enough credit for understanding the complexities of semi-open adoption. Abby needs to read an excellent book that addresses this very subject: Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past, by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler.

As for Jessica and her fiancée: they should follow their instincts and tell their future children about their half-brother from Day One.

Related Posts:
When Should You Tell Your Child the Circumstances Behind His or Her Adoption?


What is the Ideal Age at Which to Tell Your Child He Was Adopted?


When Should You Tell Your Child He Was Adopted?

How Often do Adopted Children Think About Adoption?


Openness in Adoption: How Much Can You Handle?