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In the previous post, I introduced you to Jessica, a woman who placed a baby for adoption and now is engaged to be married. She asks Abby to advise her how she should tell her future children about their half-brother.
Abby responds:
I do not agree that your children should be told “from their earliest memory” that they have a half-brother who was adopted by another family. It will be easier for them to understand when they are older, and you are talking with them about the facts of life and the consequences of unprotected sex. They need to be able to engage in a dialogue with you about it at a time when they can fully comprehend your honest answers.
My response to Abby’s advice:
Abby almost always gives sound advice concerning adoption, but I believe she is way, way off the mark on this one. Her response smacks of the misconceptions many of the closed adoption mindset hold dear: “If we pretend this child doesn’t exist,” no one will be forced to deal with an uncomfortable subject.”
Well, adoption is an uncomfortable subject and it’s better for all parties involved in an adoption to deal with the subject head on. If Jessica and her husband wait until their kids are in fifth or sixth grade (or however old Abby thinks kids need to be before they’re ready to learn the facts of life), it’s going to become far too easy for Jessica to wait a little longer…and a little longer. Suddenly, her kids will be 18 years old and Jessica will be faced with owning up to the fact that she’s lied to her kids their entire lives.
How do you think her kids are going to react to that?
And what about the son Jessica placed for adoption? Doesn’t he deserve the opportunity to get to know his birth siblings? Or at least to know that they exist? Or at least to know that they know he exists? How is he going to feel when he senses that his birth mom is too afraid to tell his siblings about his existence?
I have some first-hand experience with this situation. Our sons’ birth mothers both married several years after placing them in our family. Both birth mothers have gone on to birth two additional children. We’ve interacted with their (other) children since they were newborns, and their kids (who are between the ages of 1 and 4 now) have always known that they have a big brother who lives with another family.
Their parents explain adoption to them in age-appropriate ways, and for now, their children are satisfied with those explanations. As they get older and begin asking, “Why doesn’t big brother live with us?” their parents answer their questions honestly, saving the sex-ed and unprotected sex part of the explanation for a few years down the line.
And the kids get it! They aren’t confused. They aren’t distressed. And they certainly aren’t scared. And it’s all because their parents take the time to be honest with them, in a loving, age-appropriate manner.
Abby’s advice is completely based on fear and doesn’t give children enough credit for understanding the complexities of semi-open adoption. Abby needs to read an excellent book that addresses this very subject: Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past, by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler.
As for Jessica and her fiancée: they should follow their instincts and tell their future children about their half-brother from Day One.
Related Posts:
When Should You Tell Your Child the Circumstances Behind His or Her Adoption?
What is the Ideal Age at Which to Tell Your Child He Was Adopted?
When Should You Tell Your Child He Was Adopted?
my husbands best friend didn’t know his father growing up and his dad went on to get married and have other children. When the oldest son was an adult he decided to visit his dad and meet him. An hour before he got there the dad told his other kids about the son. The kids were ranging in age from 6 to 13. Not good. The oldest now has severe problems and has completely alienated all that is good about his life. Tell them NOW.
Hey I was gonna post about this tomorrow! LOL
I never told my children about their brother, and I am paying for that today – 37 years later – still. Abby’s advice is horrible. Yours is perfect. She has no clue!
I have been struggling with this. There seems to be a book on everything about adoption EXCEPT for how to tell your 6 and 9 year old that they have a brother. It’s really frustrating, and I do wish I had told them from the start. In retrospect, the perfect way would have been to include their brother when we say our bedtime prayers. Too bad, I thought of that one a little too late. Of course, I have prayed for that child everyday for the last 18 years and 6 days!
My sons have a friend who is adopted, so they are aware of what it means…on a very general level.
At this point, I’m unsure of how to approach the subject. Do I wait? Do I not wait? What do I say? How do I field the questions of Where you married? I thought you had to be married to have a baby? How old were you? WOW, really? I’m afraid of them being angry with me and thinking less of me. That’s what my brain tells me. My heart tells me that it will all be fine. I just don’t know where to start or what to say? My husband is very supportive of me, and will take my lead on this one (he is not the birth father). Obviously, he doesn’t know the right thing to do either!
Any advice, book suggestions, etc. would be very much appreciated! Heather
Hmm, this is the first post I’ve found that deals with the topic of telling subsequent siblings. Like Heather, I’ve searched for help and advice and found nothing. My situation: I became pregant by my boyfriend at 15 (after a childhood of abuse). We decided together to put her up for adoption and had no further contact (though I knew her new name and the county she was being adopted into). Two years later, I got pregnant again, but this time, we got married (different dad). Telling my kids about their sibling when they were growing up wasn’t really an option, because it remains a VERY touchy subject with my husband, even after 20 years! Now, she is 22, and I have 3 kids, 19, just turned 18, and 16. They do not know about my childhood situation nor their sibling. I’ve always felt I should tell them at some point, but when? They’ve figured out that their dad and I were married young (and pregnant, I’m sure), but I’ve avoided this partly because I wished I hadn’t been sexually active at all, and have always told them they shouldn’t be. Further, I haven’t figured out if/when they should know I was abused, and the 2 go together in my mind. I have recently “found” my first born by searching myspace, and so the whole thing is less abstract now. I could actually show her to them, initiate contact, etc… but I just don’t know if I should…I’d love to hear other views on this. Please feel free to email me…