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Without disclosing confidential aspects of our daughter’s history, it has become increasingly clear that her frequent tantrums and rages are more than simply a by-product of her transition to post-adoptive life.
Making such a huge life changes such as adoption and moving surely have challenges and there are definite issues that can be attributed it. However, how do you know when it’s something more?
Become educated: You never want to diagnose any behavioral or mental health issue on your own. However, do learn as much as you can about typical and atypical behavior, so that should you suspect a deeper issue than just the transitional, you can alert your pediatrician or mental health professional.
Seek assistance: Mental health issues still carry a stigma in our society. It can be difficult, especially, if you are one who does not have personal knowledge of such (be it a friend, co-worker, relative, etc.). It can be uncomfortable for some to broach this subject; however, it is of vital importance that you do so as soon as you suspect something out of the ordinary. Your pediatrician is a good starting place, and will be able to refer you to a specialist. You may also need to seek assistance for the whole family if the behavior is disruptive to the whole family dynamic; or couples/parenting counseling, to develop better communication and/or parenting skills.
Remain neutral: Realize this is not personal. Before your child came to you, s/he had a whole lifetime of experiences that have led to these issues. It’s hard to remain calm and resist the temptation to react in return. Do what you have to in order to remain loving, yet neutral (not taking it personally) and firm in your consequences. It’s easy to justify allowing your child to slide, because you realize the difficult life your child may have had. But you are doing your child no favors by indulging and reinforcing the behavior.
Communicate: Make sure everyone in the family knows the rules and the consequences for breaking them. Communicate with your spouse to make sure you are both on the same page and consistent in your approach. Communicate with the other siblings who may feel overwhelmed or burned out by the constant disruptive behavior. Communicate with the child having difficulties and reassure them of your love, as well as help them view their behavior in context.
Pray: Pray for your child, your family, and your spouse. Pray for patience, wisdom, endurance and continued compassion. Pray for your child’s therapist, doctor, and other helping professionals.
Having a child with severe behavioral issues is a strain on all resources: emotional, time, financial, and familial. The child doing the disrupting is the one that most of the attention gets focused on, so be sure that the other children in the family and your spouse all get some positive time as well.
Additional resources:
Where to find help for your child
Directory of Behavior Disorder links
Violent Behavior in children and adolescents
Ah, Marie, as I read your list, I was struck by “Remain Neutral” and “The child doing the disrupting is the one that most of the attention gets focused on, so be sure that the other children in the family and your spouse all get some positive time as well” and “Seek assistance”.
May I say this as kindly as possible: If I followed your advice when we adopted our two from Latin America at ages 7 & 8, I would, well, uh, be wondering what on earth was wrong with me that I wasn’t able to give positive time to my spouse and wondering why the pediatrician didn’t get it. Our pediatrician –who adopted!!!–told us we knew more than he did. The pediatrician is NOT the place to start.
Remaining neutral when child is screaming they are going to kill you and you are restraining them from kicking and biting for 45 minutes? Well, I must agree that it is best to remain neutral, but please let your readers know that most need practice in this area and they need support. And that most of their family is not going to get why this child must needs be treated and approached differently. We finally got our son evalutated after 3 years –but we went to therapy very soon after the adoption–and he came back with pediatric bi polar, Oppositional defiant, depression, anxiety, history of abuse of every kind (we knew this, but not at the time of the adoption), PTSD and RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Medication has helped with the anxiety with the perservating on why biomom abandoned them at ages 4 & 5…
I write all this because I really believe that you need to be clear that people on the outside from your church family to your extended family to people you have considered friends for years ARE going to misunderstand. Be amazed if they don’t. They are not going to respect your requests for boundaries and they are going to think that you are too strict.
You will have a difficult time finding assistance that helps. Most people don’t understand the impact of abandonment and abuse and think that “love is enough” and so they pile on the gifts when they don’t understand that tight boundaries, keeping close to home, and not responding in anger is what is needed. They will not understand why you ask them not to hug your child and that they need to bond to you.
Your church family will misunderstand. Bank on it. Be proactive educating them and don’t back down. We held tight and although our church family still doesn’t get it and we did end up staying home for six months when the behaviours were so out of control, it was worth it.
We wouldn’t trade the hardships for anything. We have grown so much in our relationship with the Lord and in learning about perserverance and “momentary light affliction”.
Our therapist was shocked that our marriage, which was good when we adopted our kids, has gotten even better and closer. Sadly, in our support group, there are divorces and the stresses of adopting kids with difficult behaviours exacerbated the situation.
Adopting kids with behaviours and a past (such as what you alluded to, Marie) will KEY into the PARENTS issues. Oh, my will it and it is a good time to reflect on what that is bringing up in the parent and bring it before God and beg His refining. Can I tell you how God has used especially the little boy, who is now 12 to refine me? He has been so used of God in my life that I don’t know how God would have done it any other way. Sometimes I actually find myself looking forward to the behaviours because I will say to God, “Oh I blew this time, but thank you for giving me this child who You have divinely appointed to help me to trust you that you will help me to trust you and lean on you in ways I never have before. Please help me!!!” And He does….Oh, He does!!!
Please, Marie, tell those parents that it will be hard, but God is greater and He will do exceedingly abundantly beyond what they can ask or think. Think of the amazement I experienced when praying with my boy and having him ask God to use all the hard things in his life to help others!!! Think of the tears that welled up when at ADULT prayer meeting, our son asked for prayer to forgive his bio mom and the evil people who did despicable things to he and his sister. He was so scared, that he asked me to raise my hand with him. But, Marie, there is a woman who has been praying for HOURS at a time for our son. You need to enlist that KIND Of prayer.
Regarding all diagnosis of our son, well, I found Psalm 131 very helpful. It was such a mess that I just fell before Him and take one day at time (Matthew 6:34).
And I haven’t even gone into our daughters issues.
Please, I know that adoption is laced with all sorts of soft language about love and finding help. People need to hear that it is perserverance and can be VERY TOUGH. But I never knew how BIG AND AWESOME GOD was till I adopted. I wouldn’t trace it!