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Part 1 of 5
I’m frequently asked about the pros and cons of open and closed adoption. Today, for instance, I received the following question from a reader:
I am really curious about the move to open and semi-open adoption. A lot of people were adopted through the closed way and they are all right. I think if a woman gives up her baby then she needs to move on. I do not think a birth mother needs to have her cake and eat it too.
What I am asking is:
How does a child benefit through an open and semi-open adoption?
Is closed adoption really that bad?
Another reader – a birth mom who recently placed her child for adoption – wrote, “Why am I obligated to stay in touch? I am not responsible for anything about him anymore.”
There are no easy – or correct – answers to these questions because every adoption is unique. During the next five posts I’ll take a stab at the questions and invite you to submit comments that mirror your own experiences with either closed or open adoption.
People adopted thru closed adoption are “all right”
First, the comment, “A lot of people were adopted through the closed way and they are all right.”
That’s true. I talk to adult adopted people every week who tell me that they have absolutely no interest in locating their birth parents. Their reasons vary, but essentially, they feel content with who they are and say that they don’t feel a need to further complicate their lives by locating someone they don’t feel compelled to meet.
I talk with an equal number of adult adopted people and birth parents who do want to locate and meet their birth family. They most often express curiosity about their birth family and feel a need to fill in the blanks.
I think a person can be “all right” whether they’re involved in a closed or open adoption. But adopted people and birth parents alike who feel compelled to learn more about their birth family should, by all means, look into it.
In the next post: What does “moving on” mean for birth mothers?
Yes, closed adoption really is that bad for many people. I ask any of you who think that it isn’t, for a birth mother, to close your eyes and let your imagination flow.
Imagine tomorrow that some horrible fate befalls your family and the only solution is to pick one of your children to give to someone else to raise. Know there is no other solution that you can see.
Really think of how it would feel to say goodbye to your child forever. Keep your eyes shut and remember that you will never see your child again, not a picture, nor a letter, nothing, nothing.
Try to imagine being told to just “move on” and forget about your child. Can you disconnect or turn off your feelings of love for your child? Stop loving your child? You might have to survive.
Can you you pretend that your child does not exist? Can you accept that you will never know anything about your own child? That you are supposed to vanish forever?
Just because someone is “all right” doesn’t mean that what happened to them is “all right” or should have happened.
I think it depends on the situation whether open/closed adoptions are beneficial. Open adoptions are not for everyone. In some situations, it is in the best interest of the child to have a closed adoption,ie, in situations where parental rights have been terminated. So I guess I am looking at it from the child’s perspective, and when it is healthy for the child to have contact via an open adoption I support it, but the child’s best interest trumps the interests of the birthparents or adoptive parents. Children must come first. Very interesting post because reactions will differ based on perspective.
My post was strictly discussing closed adoption from the view of a birth mother. I agree that the child must come first. And I also understand that there are some situations where closed adoptions might not be possible.
However, I do not believe that the child’s and mother’s interests are generally at odds with each other. The traditional old opinion is that they are.
It does of course depend on the parties involved as to how open an adoption might be possible. Even limited contact can often benefit children though in my opinion.
The experts that I know believe that open adoption is generally better for children. I understand that many adoptive parents think that my perspective as a birth mother means I am unable to see the whole picture.
That is not the case. I know many adult adoptees who believe that think closed adoptions are not best for the children. I believe wholeheartedly that the child’s interests always come first.
As hard as closed adoptions are, I am not certain open adoptions are best for birth parents. The jury is still out for me on that issue. It IS the child I think of though.
Hi- I am an adoptee who was raised in a loving nuturing adoptive family in a closed adoption.I also lived closed to many supportive and loving extended family growing up. I was fortunate to have parents who did not keep my adoption a secret so I always knew I was adopted. For the most part I lived a happy life but always felt that the circumstances behind my adoption were a “secret”. So this made them feel “bad” and “taboo” My parents, were not encouraged in the 1950’s to share anything we me about my birth parents or history, and they did not know that much to share for information was not exchanged much. As I have facilitated adoption triad support groups for 12 years, I have witnessed adoptees who have been challenged by being in closed adoptions. But when I say that I must clarify that it was the environment of the “no talk” rule that was most harming. To know one was adopted was considered “enough” but it was not. For adoptees who do not know more facts, often fantasize and piece into their own minds “wrong” information. And this is also where adoptees wrongly believe and wrongly embrace that they were “rejected” or flawed or unloveable. It is NOT enough for adoptees to know that their adoptive parents love them- they have an inner need as a person to know the circumstances behind their being relinquished for adoption. It made ALL the difference in the world for me to find the truth in my adoption story and facts, when I embarked on a search for my birth parents and history over 12 years ago. Finding out that my birth mother had cancer and a communicable disease, that my birth parents both struggled with alcoholism and had a rocky marriage- also that my mom was 32, my birth father 50 and they were in on position to bring another child into the family- THIS greatly helped me understand that they made a LOVING choice to place me for adoption- for my good!! Not knowing this left a BIG mystery and a false sense of WHY my birth parents did not keep me. Reality is always better than fantasy.
From all my own personal experience and witnessing hundreds of others and talking to them- many adoptees do nto feel they needed to have an open adoption- but more openess and an enviromment that allowed them to ask questions without judgement.Also a place to have them share their mixed feelings about being adopted- I remember telling my adoptive mom- I wish I had been born in YOUR TUMMY. These are normal feelings and hurdles adoptees must process to come to an acceptance and peace about their adoption. I personally would not have desired an open adoption- for I personally think it would have been VERY confusing for me. But I would have loved to have KNOWN the story- age appropriate, and had photos of my birth parents (taking the BIG mystery away) and possibly a letter from my birth mom or birth parents communicating to me their feelings and reasons for adoption. And it is interesting, I have questioned many adult adoptees from closed adoptions in recent years- many would have loved more openness and facts and photos, but many do not feel comfortable with the thought of open visits as children, Many would have liked the opportunity at age 18 or so to decide if they would like contact with their birth family. These adoptees are often the ones who desired open records and information- but many say they would not have wanted OPEN adoptions with visits. Interesting!!
Thanks for this great discussion post- Lots to think about and I do think adoptees, who have walked the journey- have ALOT to say and contribute in this area of discussion- and isn’t adoption for the best interests of the child- that is the priority- their emotional development? Talk to adoptees and listen to their input! Thanks again.
Jody Moreen Forum host for
Christian Adoptee Fellowship
http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=82