Part 3 of 3

In the previous two posts, I reviewed Nancy London’s book for first-time moms over forty, Hot Flashes, Warm Bottles. Today, we’ll look at some of the advice she gives to midlife adoptive moms.

One recommendation London makes is that women over forty—particular single women over forty—consider adopting an older child.

“She may choose this route if the idea of adjusting to the nonstop needs of a newborn seems to disruptive or demanding, or because she feels particularly well equipped psychologically to raise an older child with whom she can presumably employ the forces of reason. Or she may choose an older child because they are more available for adoption and she doesn’t want to wait for motherhood any longer,” writes London.

She cautions that new parents who expect to find only joy and fulfillment once they’ve adopted an older child may be in for a surprised when they discover that bringing their child home marks the beginning of a very long adjustment process.

“Some children will cling all their waking hours to their new parents fearing yet another loss, while others will maintain their polite reserve for months until they feel secure enough to throw tantrums. Some will experience the developmental delays associated with original language loss, while others will grieve over the loss of cultural identity.”

Adopting an older child requires enormous stamina and understanding on the parent’s part, says London. She details two essential survival skills for first-time moms over forty:
Ask for help and be open to receiving help.

Acknowledge your need for support. Asking for help is difficult, especially for single moms for have spent years being independent. London suggests enlisting friends and family to take your child for a few hours, a day, or even an overnight. She recommends swapping childcare and babysitting with friends and creating more flexible work hours.

Be open to receiving help. Accepting help is a foreign concept to many moms. London suggests writing the word HELP on an index card and taping it somewhere you’ll see it every day. When you see it, say HELP out loud. Confessing your desire for help “works even if you don’t yet know how to name the kind of support you are in deed of,” writes London.