When we first learned that my mother’s cancer was terminal, beyond the initial shock and sadness, I thought about the impact on my children – particularly my two youngest. Not only would they have such a short time with my mother, but they had also had many other attachments, only to “lose” that person so soon. They had their birth parents, an older biological sibling (now in the care of grandparents), birth grandparents, a birth aunt, and great grandparents. They lived with beloved foster parents for two years. Additionally, when they moved with us 2,000 miles from the only place they had ever known as “home” to our home, they were uprooted from friends, church family, and others from their small town who knew and loved them.

My mother fell in love with the kids. She talked about them, showed pictures to everyone who would let her (in typical grandmother fashion) and participated in many of their events. When it was clear the doctors could do no more for her, she wanted to try every intervention she could, just to have a little more time with her grandchildren.

The kids came with me to the hospital 3-4 times a week. At first, my youngest was a little apprehensive around all the medical equipment and the yucky hospital smells. But after awhile, he was the first one to walk right up and give his grandmother a kiss on the cheek. He was too small to reach her, so he would kiss his fingers and reach way up to place them tenderly on her cheek.

My daughter was matter-of-fact about the whole thing. Because of her own medical condition, she had been in a hospital before, and talked about it extensively as “one who knows.”

All of the kids would come to me at various times and express sadness about their grandmother’s condition. They would pray for her, draw her pictures and do all they could to try to help her and cheer her up. When waiting around in the hospital got boring, often just remembering they were doing it for their grandmother helped them to endure just a little longer.

And when the end finally came, and my mother passed away, the kids came with me to the hospital. In the Hospice Unit family room, we held hands and prayed, and cried, and hugged. I was a little afraid of the effect her death might have on them, so when we got home that night, we put our big futon on the floor in our bedroom and let the kids sleep there. They all slept peacefully and soundly through the night.

It’s been a little over two weeks now, and though we’ve still had some sadness and some rough times (like when we had to pack up her apartment and say goodbye to it for the last time), they have handled things remarkably well, and thus far have not shown any unusual signs beyond the natural and expected sadness any child might feel upon the loss of a beloved grandparent.

Beyond that first night when I had them sleep in the room with us, I’ve talked to them a lot, and given them a lot of leeway in grieving, knowing that everyone grieves differently. My mother wanted to be cremated, and her ashes scattered. My oldest is pretty adamant that he wants no part of that. I respect that, and told him so. I told him that his grandmother was “my mommy” and I had to obey her, so that’s what I was doing. But I’m his mommy, and therefore the carrying out of my mother’s wishes does not fall upon him nor extend to him. He told me it was “creepy and weird” and I told him a lot of people feel that way and that it was okay and that I wasn’t mad that he didn’t want to participate. However, I also told him that one day he might be older and not always feel that way, since he also expressed distain for keeping any of the ashes around.

Nonetheless, I’ve listened to all of my children, and given them time to grieve and express themselves. We also took a break from homeschooling while I settled my mother’s estate to give us all a little time to absorb the shock and get our bearings again. I’ve tried to spend a little extra time with each one, additionally. I’ve also tried to remember that their routines and schedules were interrupted for weeks on end as we dealt with this situation, and when behavioral issues came up, attributed them to lack of a nap, etc. I haven’t been completely successful in this, but eventually I remember and go back and discuss whatever it was with that in mind.

I’m hoping that there are no long-term effects beyond what is normal. I hope that by doing the things I have, I’ve mitigated or circumvented any problems. Only time will tell how successful we were.

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