“You must be so secure.” “You are so brave.” “Your situation is so unusual.” “I could never do what you’re doing.”

I get these comments all the time when I tell people about our open adoptions, which include regular visits with two sets of birth families.

Interestingly, the comments come only from people who have never met our sons’ birth parents. As soon as they meet them, they say, “Ohhhh. I get it now!”

... more

In the last couple of posts I’ve been musing about the communication agreement birth and adoptive parents sign in an open adoption—the contract that states how often they will exchange letters and pictures.

Here are links to the first two posts:

Part 1: Maintaining Your Open Adoption Communication Agreement

Part 2: Problems That Arise Between... more

Continued from the previous post.

In the last post I expressed my displeasure with Christian families who don’t abide by the terms of the communication agreement they sign—the contract that states how often they will send letters and pictures of their child to the birth family.

Let’s talk about the letters adoptive and birth parents exchange. First, some questions:

How deep a relationship can you have with a friend you haven’t seen or talked with since... more

Earlier this week I had lunch with the director of an adoption agency. We discussed the communication agreement that birth parents and parents adopting domestically sign. These contracts are legally-enforceable in some states; in others, they serve as “good faith agreements.”

My friend noted how sad it makes her feel when Christian families neglect to abide by the terms specified in the communication agreement. More than a few parents fail to send letters and pictures at the required times, she said. And some adoptive parents send blurry photos of the... more

Part 5 of 5

In the past four posts, we’ve been taking a look at reader questions regarding open and closed adoption.

One reader inquired about whether she should cut off contact with her child’s birth mother, saying: “She has an extensive criminal record, no violent crimes, lived on the streets and has used drugs.”

The birth mom does not know where the adoptive family lives and has never attempted to contact them. The parents wonder whether it would be “in the best interest of our child to stop all contact.”

This is... more

Part 4 of 5

During the past three posts, I’ve been addressing reader comments and questions about closed and open adoption. Today, we’ll look at one possible result that can occur when a closed adoption is opened.

Regrets after finding birth mother A reader wrote that her boyfriend, who was adopted in a closed adoption, recently found his birthmother. “He kind of regrets doing it because he pictured her being superwoman when in actuality, she's far from it.”

This is one of the pitfalls of closed adoption. When... more

Part 3 of 5

In the previous two posts in this series, we’ve been exploring some questions that readers have about open and closed adoption. Today we’ll look at birth parent-adoptee relationships.

One of my readers recently commented, “I think that adopted kids should be able to have a life also with their birth parents.”

As an adoptive mother involved in an open adoption with two sets of birth parents, I see the benefits of my kids “having a life” with their birth parents. They don’t live with their birth parents and their... more

Part 2 of 5

In the previous post, we looked at the question, “Are people in closed adoption well-adjusted?” Today, we’ll continue the discussion.

Birth moms need to “move on” One of my readers commented: “If a woman gives up her baby then she needs to move on. I do not think a birth mother needs to have her cake and eat it too.”

What, exactly, is moving on? Does that imply forgetting about one’s child? Because birth moms don’t forget. And many birth parents who have been denied the opportunity to know... more

Part 1 of 5

I'm frequently asked about the pros and cons of open and closed adoption. Today, for instance, I received the following question from a reader:

I am really curious about the move to open and semi-open adoption. A lot of people were adopted through the closed way and they are all right. I think if a woman gives up her baby then she needs to move on. I do not think a birth mother needs to have her cake and eat it too.

What I am asking is:

How does a child benefit through an open and semi-open adoption?

Is... more

Part 4 of 4

In the previous three posts, I addressed questions first/birth parents ask when meeting prospective adoptive parents: How do you define open adoption? What is your commitment to openness, and why? Are you willing to sign an agreement to that effect, and to seek mediation if things break down? In an open adoption, what will we call... more