Since arriving home, post-finalization, we’ve reconnected the kids with their birth grandparents and older brother via weekly phone calls. They are a really warm and wonderful family, and it’s been truly gratifying to hear from them how much they feel we really are “one big family”

That said, I’m struggling to find ways of describing people in this new family configuration. In my total newbie ignorance, I’ve apparently already blundered by uttering the “our birthmother” phrase. I “get” that a significant majority in the firstparent community takes umbrage with it, so for that reason alone... more

I’ve just returned from nearly two weeks away from my computer, during which I taught workshops on blogging (of course!) and press release writing at the Mount Hermon (CA) Christian Writers’ Conference. Upon my arrival home, I quickly unpacked and repacked, and my hubby and I did a spring break mini getaway to a ritzy hotel for our 25th anniversary. Then, after one more quick unpack/repack, our entire family joined my dad and his new wife for Easter.

Today, after getting caught up on some work... more

As we saw in an earlier post, we are to have agape love, the kind of love that seeks a person’s best interests. Open adoptions are one way to do this for our children. Let’s look at another biblical word that helps bring this concept out: storgē.

Storgē is... more

Just as you build a relationship with a natural child in utero, by talking to your child and other things, you can build a relationship with your child(ren) before they reach your home through adoption. Depending on the type of adoption and where you are adopting from, doing a few or all of the following may help to build a relationship and ease transition issues:

• Make a scrapbook: You can scrapbook your daily life; pictures of your home; the child(ren)’s room; where you worship; and friends/family that you interact with on a regular basis - anything that can help give them an idea of what life will be like with you. • Write: We’ve... more

Yesterday we planned an outing with our older son’s birth mom and her family, to celebrate the birthday of our younger son (did I mention that open adoption can be kind of complex?).

Since we are busy families with crazy work schedules, our outings are quite loosely planned. In other words, we agreed to do something on Saturday, and that something involved meeting for pizza somewhere. Since we live in the Seattle area, there are a lot of choices about where to meet for pizza.

So yesterday at 4:15 p.m., we agreed to meet at Chuck E. Cheese’s. It was early in the day; how could they possibly be busy? Jen’s girls, who are 4 and 2, were tired, and we... more

What happens when a birth mother establishes a relationship with her child, but then gives birth to another child, perhaps with a new partner?

What happens if the birth parent(s) move away?

What happens when the adoptive family adopts a second (or third, or fourth) child and they all have different birth parents and varying degrees of openness?

Our family has dealt with all of these situations. I don’t have any pat answers, but I can share how our family is working through them.

First, in... more

In the previous post I shared Rich Mintzer’s definition of open adoption, based on an article he wrote for Achieving Families magazine (formerly Infertility Times), May 2005.

Mintzer reiterates some of the points I’ve been stressing the past week, emphasizing the need for establishing boundaries within an open adoption relationship.

“It is so important that birth parents and adoptive parents understand their roles and maintain those roles.” -Brenda Romanchik (birth mother and executive... more

I’ve been blathering about my opinions regarding open adoption for days on end. Thought I’d take a breather today and provide some information about it from an article by Rich Mintzer in Achieving Families magazine (formerly Infertility Times), May 2005. Mintzer writes:

In domestic adoptions, it is very common for adoptive and birth parents to meet in person prior to the birth of the child. Does this meeting constitute open adoption?

No.

At this stage of the process, there is no adoption,... more

I often hear Christian leaders proclaim, “Open adoption is bad for the child. It’s bad for the adoptive parents. It’s bad for the birth parents. It’s bad for everyone.”

They make blanket statements about the danger of openness without backing up their statements with concrete explanations. Remind me again…exactly why is openness bad for everyone?

“Uh…because it confuses the child. He doesn’t know who his real parents are” (I hear that one all the time).

I’ve had many conversations with adults who run screaming... more

Someone who commented on my previous post asked me to reflect on why birth parents might end contact, even when the adoptive parents work hard to maintain it.

One woman, who recently placed her child for adoption, shared her perspective:

Why am I obligated to stay in touch? I signed a piece of paper giving up all rights and responsibility. I am not responsible for anything about him anymore. Sending pictures and letters means I am responsible (for him).

It seems that this woman feels she doesn’t “deserve”... more